Dear Sann:

I too think that living in the tent is positive for you because you got to interact with people more and get some support. If you were in an apartment, you would be isolated. I think being around people like you have been lately is good for you.

As I see it, you are engaged in the process of healing, in practice, asserting yourself with your father and his girlfriend, standing up for yourself. Every time you have done it; every time you do it, it’s priceless: it is the very act of healing. And so is every time you reach out to an empathetic stranger in the hostel, elsewhere. Even here.

I know fear very well, I know it every day. I am healing too. One turning point for me was when I realized that what I have been fearing all this time: being rejected, being attacked by another (in some way or another), being made fun of, etc.. all that I feared will happen in the future- already happened. As a child, growing up I was rejected and I was attacked by my mother many times. And yet I feared those things as if they didn’t happen yet. And every time I was imagining it was about to happen, it was re-happening in my brain, the fear, the despair, all of that.

I survived those years when I was a weak child, attacked repeatedly, scared, overwhelmingly scared. I survived, I lived… I am alive. This means that being so very afraid is not deadly by itself.

And so you, Sann, survived your mother as well and you are alive to tell about it. What you fear: the rejection, the ridicule… all that you fear already happened to you too. And you survived it.

As weak as you feel, as often as you feel weak, you are strong after all. You just need to realize it. You made it so far and you can get better, heal more.

I am impressed and encouraged by your progress.

anita