Letting go of a energy vampire friend...

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This topic has 6 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 5 months ago by Mike DiLeone.

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June 25, 2016 at 11:12 am #108200

Melinda Johnston
Participant

Currently, I am in the process of a life transition. I want to let go of my best friend. I feel her energy sucks the life out of me. Her conversations are very cyclic and she constantly whines about how depressed she feels with her new husband. I recently took her to the mountains for a day trip. I thought the mountain scenery would take her mind away from how she was currently feeling. Also, I had not been to the mountains in eleven years and I wanted to take in the spectacular beauty for a day.
Being in tune with nature is so refreshing for the soul and very healing. I love how the mountain’s gentle breeze wraps its crisp air around my skin with its forest aroma.

When we arrived to our destination I felt very worn out after listening to her repetitive rants of her husband. While she took a call from her spouse, I took 5 minutes to walk around the parking lot stretch my legs and inhale the mountain air. It felt so good to rejuvenate my soul. When my friend finished her call with her husband, she wanted to find a restaurant to eat. I told her to enjoy mountains for five minutes, but she complained to me she was hungry. Her endless nagging continued throughout the day! By the time I returned home, I felt very tired and completely drained. I thought the outing would benefit my best friend to enjoy a moment in the mountains leaving the negativity behind. I discovered I cannot change another unless they are willing to do it for themselves and knowing she was going to act that way during the entire trip, I made that choice to get my lifeforce zapped out of me. Maybe, I was selfish too, to have my best friend to come with me on this journey. She never called me the next day to say “thank-you”to tell me that she had enjoyed her time in the mountains. I was not going to punish myself waiting for a simple thank-you from her and I knew it was to be expected. The mountain journey was not a waste of time, but a knowing what type people I want to attract in my life to create new experiences. Should I let go of this friend and move on? Any ideas?

June 25, 2016 at 3:18 pm #108241

Anonymous
Guest

Dear melusina2017:

You asked if you should let go of this “energy vampire friend” and move on?

Yes, it is a lose-lose proposition to the both of you: you got drained in scenery that otherwise would have rejuvenated you and she obviously didn’t enjoy herself, so Lose- Lose. You can keep in contact with her as long as the interactions are not a losing proposition for you. It seems like every interaction with her would be a losing proposition for you, so yes, do let go of her and move on.

I would tell her what you shared here, all of what you wrote here, why not? That would be an honest feedback. Maybe she would wake up and suggest to make it up to you and have a fun time, her treat. In that case, you may not let her go just yet. Maybe she is able to not drain you if she becomes aware that she has been an ‘energy vampire.”

Do post again-
anita

June 25, 2016 at 10:37 pm #108256

Brie
Participant

Seems pretty clear what she is doing + what you want + the difference in between. What’s not clear is why you haven’t let her go yet.

So why haven’t you let her go? Why haven’t you moved on? @Melusina2017

June 26, 2016 at 1:04 pm #108299

Melinda Johnston
Participant

My friend calls when she wants to be heard. I have told her I will not listen to her constant whining about her spouse as well as utilizing me as a sounding board. She has not called the last few days and I am feeling much freer. My friend has her own family and her grandchildren to spend time with. Also, she can be busy with her health care job. I am already letting her go and it is easy for her to friend others. She must find her own happiness and the self-awareness that she actually consumes the energy from others. As for myself, I am on a separate journey apart from hers and I cannot see myself turning back to dance to her tune. I have recently regained my self-worth and renounced those who once walked over me like a doormat. The door on this relationship is now closed.

However, I do appreciate the feedback given to me regarding my post…

Many blessings,

Melinda 🙂

June 26, 2016 at 2:48 pm #108302

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Melinda:

You mentioned in your original post that you are in the process of a life transition, and in the last post you wrote that you are on a separate journey. I am curious and would like to know a bit about your transition and journey. Would you like to share about it?

anita

June 26, 2016 at 4:47 pm #108309

Maria_L
Participant

Hello,

I will only give a short answer- always stay away from these kind of people. I have cut cords with at least 3-4 ‘good friends’ like this in my life, some of them under complicated and difficult circumstances, but I have never regretted doing it. She will not be heartbroken or devastated. her ego will be hurt, but she will find a new victim in no time. So don’t worry about her

And yes, you have to be straightforward, because ‘gradual’ detachment barely works with them… They’d call you and ‘attack you’ every available minute, they never ‘get it’. Don’t feel guilty, it was never your life mission to be someone else’s outlet.
It’s always awkward the first few weeks, but you’ll be glad you did it, trust me…

Best of luck with your path of transition, whatever that is! Saying no to people who drain your life force, and refocusing it on something beneficial is a huge step!

June 27, 2016 at 7:19 am #108338

Mike DiLeone
Participant

Melusina- that is a tough situation to be in and many of us know the feeling.You said something that interested me- that you could not change her until she was ready to change. That is true. I wonder if that is part of the friction. That statement indicates that maybe you have tried to change her to no avail, and that can be frustrating and energy zapping! While you cannot change her, you absolutely can change the way you react to and perceive her. Making some tweaks may allow you to create boundaries and still keep the friendship, if that is what you want. I have done this several times and I have also let go of several friends whom I felt were not supportive of my endeavors. If you think the friendship is worth saving, making tweaks and setting boundaries may help. One boundary I set with a family member is that every time she starts to complain about another family member, I gently remind her that I am not going to listen to it and if she wants to continue on, I will end the call and talk to her another time. It works very well 🙂 Good luck in whatever you decide.
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