Hello,

This is my first time posting to any forum and am looking for guidance and direction. A little about me, I am a 39 yoa male, married to a great, wonderful, beautiful, intelligent woman going on 2 years. No kids, two dogs, two cats, two fish, and a turtle. She’s studying for the CPA, I’m in two high stress public careers (LEO & Mil).

Well, last night we had a big blow out after I came home from work which resulted in my emotions getting the best of me as I picked up my lunch bag and threw it across the room, accidentally hitting our cat. This built up from the weekend whe she asked if I wanted to see a movie (which I had watched on my own), to which instead of me saying I already saw it, I redirected my answer to suggest a different movie. I knew I should have just said I saw it, however for whatever reason that’s ingrained in my nature I avoided the straightforward answer knowing she would have been upset that I saw it without her.

Well this led to two days of silence between us and then the fight. She accuses me of lying to her, not prioritizing, and always complaining of not having enough time. She also says I never say what’s on my mind and that she feels she has to pry everything out of me. I told her it feels like every time I say something she critisizes, and disregards my comments. She is a very smart girl, I am well not that smart and forget things from time to time.

I sometimes feel as though she looks down on me, which I’m sure she probably doesn’t and doesn’t value my opinion, which partly keeps me from speaking my opinion. I feel many of my traits carried over from my troubled relationship with my mother whom I haven’t spine with since the wedding. My wife does not care for or trust my mother as she can be very manipulative and overbearing.

So I don’t know where to go from here, and have even thought about anti-depression medications. I just wish I could get out of my head and live life to its fullest. I self judge all the time and find it sometimes difficult to sleep because I can’t calm my mind. I have had past thoughts of ending my life (started seeing a therapist) and depression because of my relationship with my mother and wife.

If I’ve rambled I apologize. I wish I could just re wire my brain so I can just say what I mean and not what I think others want to hear. Any suggestions? Thank you.