Hey @denisenas!

First off, I’m so sorry you are in pain. Breakups are never fun and I hope you are doing some wonderful self-care to help you heal.

I’ll begin with the first question you ask, because I think it’s an important one, “was it really necessary to break up and tell me that it was a mistake?” Painful as it may be for you to hear, the answer may very well be yes. I can’t see into this boy’s soul, but he was clearly dealing with the grief and aftermath of a death in the family and sometimes those situations provide us with clarity we otherwise wouldn’t have about life. Now, one can also make the equally valid counterargument that those are the *worst* times to make any major decisions. It’s a shame he didn’t give himself a “cooling off period” so he could reevaluate your relationship with a more level head. Either way, it is unfortunate he didn’t have the maturity/emotional intelligence/presence of mind to end things more delicately. If I were a betting woman, I’d wager he’s going to regret parts (if not all) of that last conversation someday.

Now I haven’t met you, but I feel pretty confident in saying you are not cursed. You have just had the misfortune of having several unsuccessful relationships. That doesn’t mean you won’t eventually enter into a loving, successful, life long one – if that’s what you want. Most people go through a handful of relationships before they find someone who’s a good fit. And just because your parents split it doesn’t mean you’re condemned to the same fate. We each carve out our own destinies in life. One thing I do know for sure though, if you walk out your door everyday believing the worst about yourself and any prospective suitor, you’re definitely stacking the odds in favor of your failing.

Anita is wise in her counsel to you. You have more agency then you realize. If you want to take a time out on dating to focus on your studies, you have that power. If you (after having healed from this breakup) want take steps to meet someone new – you can do that too! And when you’re with a quality person and have a loving, respectful relationship – and feel secure in yourself – you can devote yourself to school *and* be with this person. It isn’t a binary, either-or proposition when you have a solid foundation to build your life upon. It’s when you’re with someone that isn’t right for you or you are un-centered when everything comes crashing down.

Finally, you ask, “how do we actually learn?” Well, just as a person learns not to touch a hot stove – they reach out, get burned, until they realize if they keep repeating the same behaviors that they’ll have the same results. Relationships are not all that different. You’ll need to sit down and do some soul searching – be fearless about it – but also with great self-compassion. Employ a therapist or trusted friend if need be. Ask yourself things like, “what are some common traits these men share that I’ll want to avoid in the future?” or “what does my ideal relationship look like?” etc. Introspection and then practicing the behaviors you wish to exhibit are how you change.

Again, be kind to yourself. These are not easy issues. I wish you the best – know that you are worthy of love and capable of attracting it in your life.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 3 months ago by Miniature Bodhisattva. Reason: Grammar fixes!