Thank you for trying to help,

I try to stay positive and I try to keep going. I try to play and compose music every day. But I cannot bear this emptiness inside me. It is horrible. These experiences have left me shattered and depressed. I see goodness crushed on a daily basis. When I go for a walk I feed the swans on the canal. The swans had two cygnets and it was a joy watching them grow up. This morning I discovered that one of them is missing and its sibling has a wounded leg. Someone had evidently allowed their dog to attack them. All the positive things I had done to help them to grow and be healthy were cancelled out in a second. Positivity is easily overcome. Negativity is the stronger force, and you can blame our ‘wonderful’ Creator for that, for he allowed it.

You still see the world through rose-tinted spectacles. Wait until you reach my level of consciousness and you will realise just how disgusting, vile and brutal this planet is. You just won’t want to live on it anymore. You won’t see the point in it. You won’t see much point in praying anymore to a Creator who made a conscious decision to allow his planet to be over-run by evil. Some might see this existence as some sort of piety pissing contest. I don’t. I see it as Hell. We shouldn’t fear ‘Hell’ because we already live in it.

If I am here for a reason, then tell me what that reason is, because I haven’t a clue. I feel so empty inside. It feels so bad that I want to self-harm. My brain is not tricking me, there is something deep inside me which is consumed with pain. I have been through a lot of tough times in my life, but I have never felt like this before. It is truly horrible.

Best wishes.