Dear slp1214:

If you gave a specific example of you getting mad at him, what happens then- how do you express your anger, do you tell him anything? Does he know you are angry? How does he respond? Is the issue resolved…?

What you are experiencing may be an issue from your childhood, something unresolved. It may be a dysfunction in your relationship with your boyfriend. He may not be so… great and yet, he may be.

An example or two may help me understand more.

anita

Hi @slp1214 I think you’re right to be mad at him in most of these situations, it’s really disrespectful to promise to do things and then flake out. Just because a person is caring or trustworthy it doesn’t mean that they’re perfect, I learned this the hard way. I can relate to you in the sense that I dated someone who was caring and faithful but he was the most boring person in the world and I think he never really listened at me, he even frequently interrupted me when I was speaking. Although I wasn’t happy I kept telling myself that I should stick with him because he was a good person and the only man that had treated me well,-I was forcing myself to be with someone that didn’t fulfill me and whom I didn’t really love, low self-esteem issues. I finally went into a depression and three months later he broke up with me, which was painful but relieving at the same time, because that started the way to my recovery and being myself again (I started going to therapy soon afterwards).
It looks like your boyfriend doesn’t realise the extent of this actions or that he doesn’t think before acting. I suppose you have already talked to him, haven’t you? I think it would be advisable lo let him know that some of his actions are not ok and that it hurts you when he behaves like that. I think that if he really cares about you he should try to be more careful.
JMO
A big hug

Dear slp1214:

In your original post you wrote that your boyfriend is trustworthy. In your second post you wrote about your boyfriend that he ” says something and doesn’t follow through with it… as agreeing to to grab lunch with me or picking me up from a doctor’s appointment.” When he tells you that he will pick you up from a doctor’s appointment and does not he failed your trust. You trusted him to pick you up and he didn’t. If this is just one of many examples over time of him not following through with what he says, then he is often not trustworthy.

You wrote: “I find that I get truly angry with my boyfriend in a way in which I’ve never experienced”- this may be because, like you wrote, this is your “first serious relationship”- and what happens in it triggers in you anger from childhood. For example, it may be that a parent didn’t follow through with what he/she said. So when your boyfriend does the same thing it brings back the hurt and anger from your past. So the anger feels too intense for the present circumstance because it carries the extra intensity of the triggered past.

It may be that when your boyfriend, in your other example, didn’t ask you if you are available to the event, you felt disrespected, as you were. But again, the intensity of your hurt and anger could carry that from your past, when a parent/ sibling ignored you, didn’t consider your wants and feelings.

Your thoughts…?

anita

Dear slp1214:

We tend very much to believe in what we wish was true. When what is true is not comfortable to believe in, when it causes us anxiety to think about it… we choose to ignore it. This is because we turn away from what scares us, from what is painful to be aware of. And then we fit our thinking around not being fully aware of reality.

When he doesn’t follow through with what he says he will do, especially after you repeatedly pointed it out to him, that is him being not trustworthy, not dependable, not reliable.

So you ignore it and call him trustworthy. Then you fit in your thinking to accommodate this untruth by thinking to yourself: well, he hasn’t been untrustworthy in BIG ways.

But his “small” ways of being untrustworthy are causing you big distress. This means he is being untrustworthy in… big ways, not small ways.

And when he is repeatedly untrustworthy in “small” ways, how can you trust him in the big issues of life?

Well, it is scary to trust someone who is not trustworthy, to depend on someone who is not dependable.

I would say if indeed he has been untrustworthy repeatedly and after you pointed it out to him, then he is not the boyfriend for you. Not if you are interested in peace of mind.

Looking at the title of your thread, compromising your emotional well being, your peace of mind, your feeling of safety in the relationship (something we all need)- is not reasonable. So I would stand my ground, if I was you, stand on solid ground by removing the one shaking it.

What do you think?

anita

Dear Serena:

If there is a point to having a conversation with him, over coffee in a coffee place, then you can tell him “in a very un Buddha way” what you need to tell him. You can tell him: I feel angry at you when you don’t follow through or when you do this or that. Then wait for his response.

You don’t have to cancel the break from the relationship if you have unfinished business to talk with him about. If you meet with him to talk, let it be just that, an opportunity to talk, to ask and listen, to understand. Then you can post here, if you’d like, for feedback about the conversation. You can even have a series of such conversations. In each one, there is no pressure to end or re-start the relationship. Only to talk and hopefully learn.

anita

Dear Serena:

Reads like you have hope for a relationship with him and there is hope. Instead of going all the way in(to a relationship with him) OR walking away, you can take the Middle Way, and get to know him slowly, gently teach him to listen to you, gently ask him questions, listen to him. Have conversations with him, like friends. Take it easy and slow.

anita