R-1: the reason he was afraid for decades was that the misinformation he received at our divorce, was that he was mentally crushing me, that I was deathly afraid of him, and would call the police if he ever approached me. This was truth to him, as he had been given a restraining order against him. This restraining order was forged and signed by my (grand) mother and the lawyer she was in cahoots with, to make sure I had no communication with him. He thought he had destroyed me (never the case), and was afraid to approach, thinking I would rip into him and/or upset me terribly. He was told I was in a mental hospital for a short period before school started due to him. It was such a woven web of lies. I see the procrastination side of him more clearly now. He knew of my life 2-3 years later, as we had mutual friends in the same area, and he asked about me lots of times, and I didn’t know about that at all. He called and left a message when my grandmother died, but I remember hearing that he left a message about condolences and hoped we were doing well per R-2.. R-2 erased it before I ever got home and just told me about it. (NO cells in the day, just home land lines). He is a procrastinator I can see this so clearly now. And my ” get it done now” attitude is in conflict at times with this.
R-2: When we first married, I wanted separate accounts. He was very practical and for example, could not understand why a woman needs more than 3 pairs of shoes. ( Work, going out and sneakers). I would not be controlled like that, and spent my money back then anyway I wanted. This was all OK when he owned businesses and life was grand. My money was for me and any way I wanted to spend. He did pay all house expenses and vacations. So, that worked out well. When he went bankrupt, it was a lifesaver that I had my own credit cards, car in my own name and no financial connection, that would be taken from me as a spouse possibly. He has gotten cheap these years, and that is why I cant combine accounts, as he will moan of how I waste money. Well, we would not have cell phones or cable or internet, if left to his way. That is how that developed over the years. I want it, I get it with no permission needed.
You do make sense when you state that if I am not really suffering, I am not motivated to leave. That is correct. I feel more courage, when I am irritated and pissed at him.
As for getting older, I don’t think he has the capability of “taking care” of me in my old age. He is adverse to medical issues. I have had breast lumps my whole life, with the yearly mammograms and biopsies over the years, more numerous than I can count. If I should need breast surgery/mastectomies/ chemo, I don’t feel he would be much support currently. He always says if something “happens’ to me, who will pay the bills? REALLY? That is your biggest concern? I always joked that if I was seriously ill, he would be measuring the coffin for me, and not be that supportive due to his negativity and always thinking of the worst case scenario. My latest scare related to mammo and something funky on it (requiring a re-do) terrified me. But I never said a word, and did the re-do and no info to him. So grateful that it was nothing at this time. I never confided in him. I did confide in R-1 who listened to my fears and my panic, and soothed and calmed me. He said he wants me to be healthy and live a long life with him. The graphic talk I was telling him about how breast cancer is treated, and the aftermath/ugliness of it all did not phase him one bit. He listened and listened. Then he said that he loves me with our without boobs. He loves my laughter and my soul. It felt good to hear that, even though I knew it wasnt logical, I felt better. When I called him after the second one and informed him nothing wrong, his voice became shaky, and I knew he had tears. as he said he had prayed for days on this for a good outcome.
So, R-1 not officially free, R-2 knowing nothing of my thoughts. Not so much a cliff, more of a closing one door and opening another one to freedom of myself. Working on it! Grandmother= guilt and fear. NO longer alive and still has control if I let it. For each guilt story in my head, I push it back with I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY….not live for another in a servile and emotionless role. Thanks for your time and consideration, Anita.