Hi, Butterfly.

As one who has experienced the push-pull cycle: the negative splitting, devaluation, projection, false accusations, blame, gaslighting, hiding, lies (to me, and about me to others), anger, hatefulness, being ignored, ghosting, and multiple “endings” of the relationship associated with the push cycle; and the positive splitting, and sham of mirroring and idealization, and the apparently sincere love and desire for intimacy associated with the pull cycle, I can say that I definitely felt, and definitely was, emotionally abused. The fact that her behavior was facilitated by a personality disorder did not mitigate her culpability in the matter, and it didn’t make it any less wrong or damaging. Abuse is abuse.

Would you agree?

All of the things I liked about her, and all of the good times she and I had together, the wonderfully close, intimate, perhaps even sublime moments we shared (at least as far as I felt them) also did not negate her abuse of me, or mitigate the damaging effects her abuse had on me and the relationship. All of her behaviors and actions (negative and positive, constructive and destructive) must be considered when weighing the benefit of her being in my life. In her case, I don’t need to look any further than her intentional abuse of me to know that the relationship was not beneficial.

Do you see your situation differently?

As I mentioned in one of my previous replies, in my research of personality disorders, I found that folks with such disorders are known to misrepresent their past experiences to gain and exploit sympathy, empathy, and compassion. Along with this, they may also claim life threatening or terminal illnesses to achieve the same ends. If you did not see any kind of evidence that he has a deadly disease e.g. written diagnoses from doctors, doctor bills for procedures related to the illness, the pattern of regular, on-going therapies or treatments related to the illness, or on-going prescriptions for medications related to the illness, I suggest you consider the claim with healthy skepticism.

If he does indeed have a deadly disease, that still doesn’t excuse abuse, or mitigate its effects.

Regarding the possibility of you being able to return to being friends with him, or starting over, I can only use my own experiences with my ex-girlfriend to consider the benefit of those possibilities for you. From my point of view, the only way being friends or starting over would ever be a beneficial thing would be for her to make HUGE strides in her therapy, and for her to have fully functioning coping skills that she diligently used. Even then, those things wouldn’t happen overnight, or any time soon. The earliest I could imagine that happening would be five or more years down the road. Since she claimed to dislike her therapy, and claimed that it didn’t do her any good, and claimed to have no faith in it, and that she didn’t want to put the effort into it anymore, I predict that in reality it would take much more than five years, possibly 10 or more years, for her to be able to function positively and constructively in a mutually beneficial relationship with me, as friends or more. Until then, however, there would be no benefit for me to be in a relationship of any kind with her. She would still be unable to control her destructive and abusive behavior. Add to that the fact that I am still mourning the loss of the illusion of our love, and that I don’t know how long it will take for me to get over that, I seriously doubt that any good would come of us starting over before she is “well.”

What are your thoughts regarding the possibilities of him being able to participate in a mutually beneficial relationship with you?

Until the relationship has a very real possibility of being a non-abusive, beneficial thing for you, based on the above, and the things I asked you to consider in my previous responses to you, and for what it may be worth, I continue to encourage you maintain no contact with him.

CMI