Dear Anita,

Thank you.
I don’t think my memories regarding him are dry or devoid of feeling, I do remember quite well moments where I was scared and angry, feeling that I hated him and feared him and that I didn’t feel protected in that situation.

I also remember some fun moments with him, but to be honest I usually ended up crying because he would play with me sometimes when he had nothing better to do, then would get bored of it and would find some way to make me cry or feel stupid and worthless. So what was before a fun, exciting situation for me, playing with my big brother, would turn into a mess of feeling hurt and wretched.

He would also hit me quite a lot but I guess all of that seemed and still seems to all of us as a more or less normal situation of siblings bickering, when my feeling was that I was his victim and that none of that was “fair” to use the somewhat childish word, because he was so much older and stronger so he had all the power.

But even saying all that I find it hard to believe this could be the cause, because a relationship with a brother certainly can’t be as important and determining as a relationship with a parent, can it?