So I have not posted for a few days, and I probably should every day just so I have a record of how I feel, because every day is different (every hour really). The weekend was ok, strained but ok.
On Saturday morning I woke up with him crying next to me in bed. Saying he is heartbroken about everything and can I just “let him try” and see if we can work this out. What I find difficult is it seems he doesn’t have any insight into how he behaves with me and doesn’t seem to acknowledge there is too much wrong with how he behaves. I asked him, does he ever look at his on behaviour and reflect, and he said “not really”. He also told me he thought there must be something else going on, which makes me also think he doesn’t really think he has done anything wrong. Its like the rage leaves his mouth and its forgotten.
I had a bit of anxiety about silly things: on Friday he was going to come with me to buy the kids some new trainers. Then he decided not to come. Two things, I was anxious if he came he would get stressed, if he didn’t come and I made the wrong decision then I would get blamed and he would descend into a mood. i told him, that because of ways he has behaved int he past thats how I feel. He keeps saying, give me a chance to put it right.
I am coming to realise, that even if his behaviour changes drastically, a lot of damage has been done, to the point of conditioned behaviour form me.

He is frustrated at the moment because I cannot assure him that I am not still leaving. I am being honest. Usually I am the one that tries to smooth things over, I am the one saying sorry. He expects me to do that again, but I won’t this time. I need him to realise his mistakes, and sure I have things perhaps I can change also, but I feel I can’t shift my feelings until he can reflect on his actions.

I have been invited away at the weekend with the kids to a friends, I feel I cannot go and leave him alone. How the hell am I going to leave him for good, if I feel I am abandoning him for one weekend?

I have been feeling very sentimental about good times, and also how I thought we would grow old together. He told me he is heart broken, but so am I, I have been heartbroken for months and months, frustrated in how he could behave and how he should, if what he says to me is really true. That he loves me, I am the most important thing to him in the world (and the kids). But I don’t feel like that is the case.

Anyway, rambling from me!