so i’m still struggling with ap calc rates of change problems mostly b/c the way the question is asked is confusing. i also have to pay attention to w2hat variables i use when setting up the equation and what method i go about to solve it b/c i could end up with extra variables to solve for or mess up somewhere. but i’m making progress. i have two choices of a career: genetic/biochemistry/molecular biology (pretty much related) or buddhist nun. so i realize another reason my inner bully was triggered is that when i was younger, i didn’t live in a good town and there were assaults and rapes going on. so i passed myself off as a guy to be safe. now that i am older, i have that fear, that i need to pass off as a guy, keep my body extremely fit in case that happens again and i need to protect myself. this constant nagging thought in my mind “you won’t be safe with anyone unless you can pass off as strong and like a guy” has been making me feel annoyed b/c i feel so self-conscious of myself. also my parents are very patriarchal and it annoys me b/c i just want to learn to appreciate myself as i am. every time i hear stories of gender roles in society, i have that memory triggered again and i think i am powerless as a girl. about the careers, i think a buddhist nun would be great b/c i would be away from people and out in nature meditating. i would be with others like me finding my spiritual purpose. i also like science a lot so i may be a scientist as well. being a scientist would allow me to work with people of like-mind like me in a lab. so in my career choice, i want to help people and myself as well as finding a place where i can interact with people who share similar views. i wonder if i can have both buddhist nun and scientist. i may find a place near a forest away from too many people and be with nature. i ran 3 miles at six this morning and it was so quiet and peaceful, i looked at the bright yellow moon and saw my shadow elongate and dissipate in the streetlights as i ran through the streets. there was no one to judge me, there were no cars, there was nothing but an all pervasive silence, in which i could run like the wind and be myself without anything holding me back. i am not like my parents who get stressed and let their stress run them. i want to be different from the people who let their stress run them, i want to be different from the people who don’t see the beauty in life. that’s why i would like to spend time alone with myself in nature to drink in the very being of my existence and know what it is like to be alive and be grateful.