Good afternoon.

Well, in July of 2007, I had met a very wonderful man through one of those online dating sites. I guess that back then I was just looking for a “quick fix” since I had just gotten out of a long relationship with a girl. Yes, I am bisexual but leaning more towards homosexuality.

Anyway, we went through the whole shebang (dinner, sex and dating) when we realized that neither of us was your typical gay/bi closeted man whose only goal is sex. We appreciated each other’s company and talked about everything and anything under the sun.

On my end, I didn’t want to see him too often because I was afraid that he might “grow tired” of me and choose to find someone else, but we did see each other quite a lot. Not as much as he would have wanted. I guess that is where the falling apart began. I started noticing the change during December of 2007 and when we first met, his ideal age in looking for a potential partner was 1-4 years older than him. I happened to be 7 years his senior, which I kept hidden as I was already in love with him and very certain that he was in love with me. I was afraid of rejection.

Then, in January 2008, he confronted me about my little “white lie”. It’s the age thing. He asked me to tell him the truth and still I sort of meandered about, which in turn upset him and he asked me to leave his apartment. I apologized, but still he told me to leave. “I don’t think that I could trust you anymore.” I don’t think age mattered but not being truthful.

The following day I tried to speak to him and he told me to “give him a month” of space. (No Contact Period)

I told him that I would, but truth be told the first 5 days was excruciatingly difficult and painful. I would always text him and send him gifts. I would also try to call him, but he would never pick up the phone.

It was during the final week of that No Contact period where I decided to meet him in person. He told the doorman not to let me inside the building at all. I told him that I would wait for outside and after 2 hours he decided to meet me outside.

At the back-alley we talked on how sorry I was for lying to him about my age and professed my love to him, but I noticed that he wasn’t really paying attention. I figured that he already had someone else up in his apt as he kept receiving texts and my feelings didn’t seem to faze him. In the end, he told me that things wouldn’t work out between us and that I was even too impulsive, hot-headed and immature still that I couldn’t even give him that 1 month period of no contact.

Brokenhearted and full of despair, I went home and stayed home most of the time. I even performed poorly at my job due to that.

Then, I don’t know if you are a religious person or not, I believed that “a demon” entered me or I just went psychotic that I did the following things:

– I would hurl insulting comments at him and members of his family on his social-media accounts.
– I would get in touch with his friends, family and co-workers and tell them all that he was truly gay and hiding it.

My relentless barrage continued for the next 4 days then he called me and we fought over the phone. I even threatened to shoot him if I were to see him in public. He began to cry on the other end of the phone as he was apparently being contacted by family and friends alike. That’s when I relented and apologized to him and stopped the attacks and even deleted those comments and retracted.

But like I said, I think I was just so damn evil and heartless that I continually harassed him and dragged everyone to our mess – MY MESS.

From 2008-2010 my attacks continued till his younger brother begged me to stop. It was only then that I did realize the grave mistake on my part.

“You didn’t just burn the bridge. You BLEW IT UP!” – Good friend of mine told me.

Since then, I have been receiving counseling due to depression (almost suicidal) on what I’ve done.

Before we brokeup, I even called him “The Most Important Person that ever came into my life” and yet I treated him like he was the scum of the earth.

He moved to another country and stayed there for 7 years before moving back to Los Angeles CA late last year.

To sum it up, during those years I was receiving counseling, I would send letter of extreme apologies to all his family and friends whom I insulted and even dragged into our mess. I even tried to explain to him that there was NO EXCUSE for what I did, but was BLOCKED and received only silence.

I am still a mess, mentally and emotionally. I tried soooo many steps to moving forward but to no avail. All my business ventures were failures while he prospered to which I am so very proud of because apart from looks and a good heart, his intelligence is what attracted me to him.

“Time heals all wounds” as the old adage says but somehow, that seems to be false.

I love him so much and I could never imaging my life without him in it. Even if were just to reconcile and me make amends and still keep in touch I would be happy.

All those datings in-between those years were unfair to the guys and gals as my mind and heart was still set on him.

It’s been 9 years and this wound has never healed.

I wonder if reconciliation is even possible? Many have told me that he’s probably forgotten about me, but when i messaged him the other day using a temporary account in FB, he blocked it.

I’m a mess and I am being haunted by the ghost of my past and this heartbreak is just so damn painful.

I am rebuilding my life once again, but these episodes of mine keep recurring even moreso during this holiday season.

I just want him to know how deeply sorry I am for what I’ve done and that my emotions were just too much to control. NO EXCUSE, I know that.

Any advise from you would be greatly appreciated.

Pardon for such a long message.

Thank you and enjoy the weekend.