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Need advice on friendship

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  • This topic has 2 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 8 years ago by Inky.
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  • December 21, 2016 at 3:04 am #123189
    Lidewij
    Participant

    Hello tiny buddha’s,

    I hope some of you can help me with this conundrum, and in return I will answer a couple of your questions first to keep the balance.

    I have this friend who I have known for about 5 years now, we used to live in the same house. She now has a house with her boyfriend and dog and lives a bit further away. We don’t see each other as much as we used to, but we still make an effort once in a while to see each other.

    But there is a problem that really stresses me out and hurts me. She usually expect me to come to her, to her house, or to go where she wants to go, even when I tell her I am tired and busy. This Friday we are meeting up and I told her I can’t make a lot of time free because I am flying the next day and I have to work as well. So she suggests a ‘halfway’ point, which takes 35 minutes minimum for me and only 15 minutes for her.
    If it was the other way round I wouldn’t expect her to come that far, because I would know that takes a lot of time.

    Also it has happened multiple times that she has been very close to where I live and I see it on social media, but she does not get in touch. Then when she wants to meet up it is far away for me.

    I send her a friendly message that I can’t make it to that ‘halfway point’, and she has not replied. It happens very often that she does not reply for a long time if I say I cannot or do not want to do something, although I really try to be nice about it.

    What do I do? I find it so stressful and upsetting. I want my friend but I also do not want to give up time and energy I don’t have. How do I be firm about this without my friend retracting?

    thanks,

    Lidewij x

    December 21, 2016 at 9:49 am #123203
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lidewij:

    For a friendship and any relationship to work for your benefit, it has to be a Win-Win proposition: win for you (and win for the other person). What your friend is doing, reads to me is maintaining a somewhat Lose-Win friendship: Lose for you (specific example: you driving 35 minutes to see her) and Win for her (she driving only 15 minutes to see you). Understandably a Lose-Win friendship is distressing for the one on the Lose side.

    The fact that she ignores your messages when you can’t Lose to her, may mean that she wants it her way and is communicating to you: it is my way- or the highway: either you are my friend the way I want you to be or there is no friendship.

    If this is what she is communicating to you with her silence, this is further distress for you because you want honesty and fairness in a friendship, not dishonesty (manipulation) and unfairness/ inequality in a friendship.

    I recommend you either make it a Win-Win (seeing it is a win for you is your primary responsibility) or let it go. Not every friendship and relationship is worth keeping.

    anita

    December 22, 2016 at 4:53 am #123282
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Lidewiji,

    You can be very direct with her. Say, “From now on we’ll meet the this halfway point.” When she tries to reestablish her version of a halfway point, say “That doesn’t work for me”. No excuses. Just hold firm.

    Then invite her to your house. Cultivate other (local) friendships. Have a bunch of women over to your house every couple months or so. Tell her a group of you is meeting at your local bar/restaurant. She may try to ignore or get you back to her old preferences. Don’t back down. She will soon know where the party is.

    And it’s OK to have what I call Once a Year Friends. So if you drive all the way to see her ~ make it once a year. Or if she only makes it up there once a year, that’s fine.

    And you can say, “I notice from social media you’re in my area. A lot. So next time just call me. You’re here in town anyway!”

    Best,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 8 years ago by Inky.
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