Hi Anita,

I’m certain that what you suggested is at least somewhat true. I can’t help but feel anxious when picturing the two of us together because I’ve never had a proper relationship before and don’t completely know what to expect.

I’m not worried that I couldn’t have a relationship with her. I definitely feel we could start dating, but I think my concerns lie in what happens afterward, the relationship itself. I’m worried because I feel like I’d mess it up or do something wrong to ruin it all.

My question to you is, how do I overcome this fear?

Thanks again for your response,

Harry

Hi Anita,

In previous potential relationships I do seem to remember losing my edge and interest randomly after a certain period of time. At the time I just thought I didn’t like them anymore, but looking back I think it might have been this fear of rejection.

It never occurred to me this is what it might’ve been. While I’d spoken to my friends about my anxieties about being in a relationship with the girl before, I hadn’t thought it might be the reason my feelings had changed. In a way I suppose I did notice it, I just didn’t connect the dots.

In general I’m not usually too worried about being left out or rejected. I think it’s just specifically in romantic relationships.

Thanks, Harry

Hi Anita,

Thank you for your understanding. Reading it now I can’t believe I didn’t realise what the problem was sooner.

The loss of my infatuation is definitely a defence mechanism, because I’m afraid she’ll break my heart.

She’s never been unkind to me whatsoever, but I feel she’s been harsh to other people before. I’ve heard stories about her mistreating her friends when she was in a relationship a couple of years ago, but it’s to my understanding that she doesn’t like talking about her past because she regrets it. I worry there’s a whole side to her I don’t understand, and undoubtedly a large portion of these feelings come from the fact that she’s as social as she is. She started speaking to me while in a relationship (though only as friends), and even though she wouldn’t have cheated, I have this insecurity that she might find someone better while we’re together. She has a lot of connections and doesn’t talk about herself nearly as much as I’d like her to.

I spoke to her for most of today and I’m almost certain that she likes me in that way, but I feel like she might need some time to get over her past relationship.

I was thinking of asking her to be my valentine. Neither of us really believe in the idea behind valentines day, which would make the occasion pretty easy going as we wouldn’t take it too seriously. I think the chances are she’d say yes, and seeing her one-to-one would be a great way to get to know her better, and it’s not committing to anything long-term yet. My only worry is that I feel somewhat unprepared given valentines day is in five days time.

Thanks again,

Harry

Dear anita,

I am certainly glad to hear that the thoughts I’ve been having are normal. I’m particularly relieved to hear that I shouldn’t blame myself as I was feeling immensely guilty.

I think what it’s worth bearing in mind with my situation is that my anxieties aren’t too prevalent. I have had fairly bad social anxiety in the past and my feelings over the past week haven’t came close to that level of severity. What’s more is that I only conquered social anxiety by being more social, just like I’ll likely only conquer my relationship anxiety by experiencing a relationship. While sleep deprived and exhausted I found my worries surfaced, but I don’t see them as a major obstacle for the relationship, at least not something that couldn’t be overcome with a little time. A friend of mine described his first relationship as initially “daunting” and I feel that more closely reflects my feelings as opposed to me being “nervous”. I think many people in a similar situation may have had thoughts like these and probably just dismissed them, but perhaps because of my own introversion I felt the need to analyse and dwell on them and feel guilty about them.

It’s also worth noting that I am only eighteen, and three months ago I was still legally a child. I’ve never been in a relationship before, and everyone I’ve spoken to has claimed to have gone through something similar when they started dating. Obviously because the whole process is later for me, it seems a little harder to dismiss, but I don’t think that quite warrants therapy.

I feel like the way forward probably is to simply proceed with the relationship. What I am aware of is that my fear of rejection probably resides in my lack of experience on the physical side of relationships. Virtually everyone I know at my age has had some kind of sexual experience in the past, so I’m very much in the dark. Despite this, what the girls best friend told me is that she is obviously aware of my lack of physical experience, and is willing to be patient. It doesn’t put her off of me. And in that sense I am feeling much better about the relationship.

I feel the other main source of my scepticism of relationships comes from those my friends have had in the past. One my best friends stopped talking to me almost entirely as the result of an extremely committed relationship. Fortunately he came back, but I another one of my friends broke off contact with entirely because of a relationship. I found myself distanced from another friend who was once very close to me because of a relationship that changed him. I suppose in many ways this put me off of relationships, but now I’ve found someone I consider worth the risk. What’s more is that my two best friends have also found themselves dating recently, and we’re all still seeing each other frequently. We’re all very understanding of each others situations, and are even talking about going out together as couples.

I’ve came to realise is that I remember that when I held her hand all of my anxieties seemed to just disappear. I’ve been talking to her non-stop for days and I’m certainly feeling less anxious, much like how I used to feel. I’m also feeling much warmer towards her: perhaps getting these anxieties off of my chest yesterday has allowed me to move on?

Either way I’m confronted with the fact that I’ve never been in love with anyone else. This girl seems near perfect for me, and I’m not the most picky person when it comes to relationships but I’ve never felt strongly enough to act on my feelings before. I feel like if I were to choose not to proceed with the relationship I wouldn’t have another for a while. It just feels like that would worsen my
anxieties by having to initiate a sexual relationship even later in life.

Last but far from least I was very worried about the fact that my feelings for her wavered, but I understand that at the very beginning of a relationship they’re still developing, and as such, I can’t expect to be head over heels for her even if I wanted to be. I must be patient and give myself time. I’ve still only been on one date and I’m thinking of planning the next one soon.

Do you feel what I’ve said is justified or do you have any suggestions? I am open to therapy but I’ve battled much worse anxiety in the past myself and I’ve came out on the other end a much better person for it. I feel I can move past it once again.

Thanks once again for your input,

Harry