Hey guys,
I am going through such a dark period of my life and I don’t know how much longer I can live if my life continues this way. Just a little backstory, I grew up in a very dysfunctional home with a narcissistic father and a very enabling codependent mother. They would break up and get back together and then break up and get with other people. I moved around a lot as a kid and was very confused on what was going on. My dad was very loving to me one minute and then saying vicious remarks like you are lazy or ugly or worse beat up me and my brother. All the while, my mom would just let it happen. Eventually, my mom stopped getting back together with my dad but by that point I was already 15 years old and a lot of the emotional damage had been done and no one in my family checked to see if I was okay. I didn’t really enjoy high school that much and had very few friends due to bullying and towards the end of my senior year I had none and every single day was a struggle. I told myself my senior year that once I went to college everything would change and that I would never be lonely again and would have an amazing life. Well, I moved from my home in NC and chose to go to a huge school called University of Wisconsin-Madison and for a while I was right. I had an amazing group of friends and would get black out drunk every weekend that way I didn’t have to feel my feelings of deep sadness and anger I had towards my dad and mom. But by my sophomore year everything ended up falling apart. For some reason, I started lashing out at my friends for silly reasons and was so judgmental and critical of everyone and everything. I thought that I had just chose the wrong school and maybe I should transfer. So I decided to take a semester off and move back in with my mom who now lived in Texas. While I was deciding what schools to go to, I had this epiphany that it was my turning from Christianity that caused all this and if I rededicated my life to God and went to a Christian school my life would be back on track. Flash forward 6 months later and I started attending Baylor University, a small private school in Waco, Texas. I had the same mentality going to Baylor as I did UW-Madison, I thought that this was the solution and it would solve all my problems. Well, I started going to this church that many people say is similar to a cult because it promises so many college students a loving community in exchange for your individuality. I also joined a sorority. Once again, everything was great for awhile and then betrayals and disappointments came from both my church and sorority. I started questioning everything that I knew and everything that I am. Eventually it got so bad, I dropped my church and declared myself no longer a Christian and shortly thereafter I dropped my sorority as well. I started getting into spirituality and meditation and learning new things. I started to feel more in alignment with who I truly was. The problem is I am so alone and isolated and it has been that way for awhile. All of my so called church friends dropped me like a hot potato the minute I left the church and the same goes for the sorority. I am a senior now graduating in May but I don’t know if I can do this anymore. Every single weekend I spend all isolated in my apartment with my dog. I have tried applying for jobs and have either been rejected or don’t hear anything back. I am starting to go crazy at this point with my lack of social interaction. My birthday is next week and I already know I am going to spend it alone with nothing to do or no one to hang out with. Can someone please help me identify the root of my loneliness and give me solutions to fix it? By the way, sorry this is so lengthy