Hello again,

Let me clarify a little bit about people pleasing. It’s a strategy for dealing with insecurity, just like your step sister’s controlling behaviour. I’m afraid it is no healthier than her behaviour, but instead of hurting others, people pleasing is self harm. Okay, these words are going to sound a little strong, but stay with me.

It seems to me that there was very little parenting going on in your childhood. Your parents did not create a calm secure environment with clear boundaries but “let [you] raise [yourselves]”. What usually happens is that one or more of the children fills that gap and takes over the parenting role. You did it by helping your dad when he (quite wrongly) vented his emotional issues and by looking after your mother’s health. Your step sister may have attempted to fill the parenting gap by taking control in one way or another. These behaviours are the result of insecure parenting.

But childhood only lasts 18 years and you may live to 90. So now, the time has come to parent yourself. If you were your own good parent, what advice would you give yourself? Try this exercise. Write yourself a letter as though you are your own strong, insightful parent. My guess is that you would tell yourself in no uncertain terms that your step sister and your parents are NOT your responsibility and that you are neglecting your true responsibility, which is you. Build up your strength because you are going to need it – when you yourself become a parent. Don’t consider having a child until you have learned to parent yourself. When you have learned this you will be the strong parent that your own parents never were and will thus break the cycle.

You sound like a lovely caring, kind person. That is all good, but ask yourself this: who is protecting her? It has to be you.