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Need to let go and stop obsessing about being betrayed by controlling stepsister

HomeForumsEmotional MasteryNeed to let go and stop obsessing about being betrayed by controlling stepsister

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 19 total)
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  • #128887
    Rekalitsoe
    Participant

    Hello, I’m having a major problem because I am obsessing about a damaged relationship with my step-sister. I worry so much about this that sometimes I can’t breathe well. And I’ve been obsessing and unable to let go for over a year! At first, I kept thinking things would get better and she would go back to being a sister and we would be a happy family..but now I know this will never happen due to the way she treats me, my sister, and my husband.

    What had happened was: for 5 years she would corner me and confront me about various things (she wanted me to cut-off my sister when my sister was in rehab, she didn’t want me to marry my husband when we were engaged (he is also a minority) because she liked my ex-boyfriend better, she confronted me over the people I invited to my wedding because she didn’t like them, etc.) and I always stayed patient, talked with her calmly and told her why I made my choices…but after awhile, I became depressed (for other reasons) and then one time she did this to me (she was trying to make us apologize for being late) and I blew up and refused. I also told her I was tired of trying to be controlled, etc, etc. Since that fight, she has treated me, my sister and my husband with disdain. I tried to apologize with gifts, saying nice things to her, inviting her places, etc. She will ignore us at every family function and now our parents have to split us up…like celebrate holidays with us (me, my sis, and my husband) and then her husband at a different time/location.

    I’m beaten up by this because I can’t just let it go. I don’t know how to let things go and forgive/forget them. I can’t understand why she doesn’t want to accept me, my sis, and my husband for who we are. I don’t know why she acts so self-righteous and judgmental and even when I’m not with her I feel judged. I also feel a lot of guilt because I know a lot of it stemmed from jealousy/insecurity. So I feel very empathetic and can’t just be angry about it. So I have a mix of anger/understanding/extreme hurt and insecurity over the whole thing. We will never be a family again and that is evident…but I can’t forget all of the nice times we had together and I can’t help but be confused.

    Can somebody give me the secret to just letting go and have it not hurt me any more.

    #128919
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear rekalitsoe:

    Your step sister, is she your father’s daughter from a previous relationship, how is she related to you, did you grow up with her? A bit of a history of her place in your bio family may help.

    You wrote: “I know a lot of (her behavior) stemmed from jealousy/insecurity.” and that you understand her. What is her jealousy about?

    Do you feel empathy for her, maybe guilt because… maybe you were treated better than she was treated, as a child?

    anita

    #128923
    Jen
    Participant

    She isn’t related by blood. My dad’s wife’s daughter. And we were close growing up, but I always tried to avoid conflict. I guess I more have a feeling of jealousy from her behavior or the way she looks at us…so I could be wrong. She doesn’t have any blood sisters or cousins. She is the only child and the only niece in her family. All of the relatives our mine and my sisters. And my sister and I are so close so when I saw her picking on my sister too, I protected my sister. So maybe I’m feeling guilty for giving special treatment to my real sis…but it was because I felt she was innocent. So a lot of what I’m doing is speculating because I cannot get the answers from her. So what I need to do is know there is nothing I can do (because o tried everything) and forget and let go. But o still feel terrible to do that even though she was the one to break it up.

    But growing up she was always spoiled a lot and treated well. She would tell our parents what to do until they did those things. I let it happen and now that we’ve said ‘no’ she is over us. However, we were good friends and she has done some many nice things for me on the past so I don’t understand the change. By the way, I left the country for a few years, came back different. My perspective had also changed after returning to the US so I saw my family dynamics differently. Does this help?

    #128929
    Jen
    Participant

    We rarely lived together permanently though. Usually for a couple months at a time only. The rest of the time, I was with my mom and sister.
    By the way, this is Rekalitsoe…just logged in with a different name accidentally 🙂

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by Jen.
    #128961
    Painterly
    Participant

    Hello,

    We all have our own path. Your step sister’s path is one of fear, hence her need to control. By enabling this misconceived behaviour, your whole family is failing to address her underlying problem, her fear. If she is an only child, if she behaves badly, she is locked in a cycle of maladaptive behaviour. You mustn’t enable it. Be firm and consistent: she is welcome if she behaves well. By all means be kind, but don’t think your show of love and empathy will solve her problems.

    Your path is different. It sounds as though you get on easily with people. Perhaps in a healthy way, or perhaps you are a people pleaser. That too comes from insecurity, but is a different response to it. Only you know the answer to this. It sounds as if your parents didn’t take control of and respond to this insecurity when you were children. It sounds like you now need a family strategy to confront both controlling behaviour and people pleasing. I would suggest family therapy.This is a big commitment, but there will be no quick fixes here. Self sacrifice won’t help.

    #129009
    Jen
    Participant

    Thank you so much for this response! Yes, I’m a people pleaser. I want people happy and I don’t want to have ever hurt anybody. I’m getting better with setting boundaries because I’ve seen how people will take advantage of this – leaving me hurt. Our parents let us raise ourselves really. But gave us a lot of love. Yes, I have insecurities too. And they are getting worse because I’m allowing myself to think that if people are bad to me, it’s because I’m a bad person. Instead of KNOWING it is them and their issues. At this point, there won’t be any family therapy because the family is split – nobody wants to work on it aside from me (and now I have given up too because the step-sis has confirmed she doesn’t care). It is up to me now to move forward and refocus my energy to the positive. However, still, the letting go thing is not working for me and I am trying so hard. I am also working on not letting people get me down and just being myself and following my own path.

    #129017
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Rekalitsoe/ironwoman32:

    I think that the reason you are obsessed with your step sister’s anger and disdain toward you (and toward your sister and husband), to the point of finding it, at times, hard to breathe, is because you believe deep inside you that if someone is angry with you, if someone disapproves of you, or otherwise displeased with you, that this person will harm you, hurt you.

    And so, you believe that you are in danger for as long as your step sister is displeased with you. You are driven to please her (and anyone else who is displeased at any time, I imagine) by the drive to protect yourself from danger.

    If you see it this way, who then, in your early life expressed their displeasure at you aggressively, in ways that hurt and harmed you?

    anita

    #129031
    Jen
    Participant

    I can’t recall anybody ever being displeased with me. Aside, from small trivial things like I forgot a birthday, or something very small…in which most people know my personality and know that I mean no harm so have never been angry with me. I have an internal agenda that I feel is a very strong one towards ‘good’ and my parents, teachers, friends, etc, have always admired it..even from the youngest age. I just knew the ‘right’ thing to do and even helped my parents with advice. I’ve never fit in because I don’t have the desire to. I do my own thing, as well as do good for people. This is the first time I’ve had anybody displeased with me like this (who I was close to). And I think that must be the problem. I must be really saddened by it because I’ve never suffered this kind of loss. Also, I’m still trying to re-build myself after a deep depression that I acquired from living in an isolated environment (volunteering in a rural village in a developing nation and felt too sad by the things I saw around me. I wasn’t good at coping and so I beat myself up because I ‘failed’ at staying strong through it all). I came back and it was the first time I needed guidance and support from my friends/family. She was the only person to leave me during this dark period of my life. I’m recovering from this now so am still regaining my strength each day!

    #129047
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Rekalitsoe/ironwoman32:

    In your last post you wrote that you “have an internal agenda that I feel is a very strong one towards ‘good’ and my parents, teachers, friends, etc.” and I suppose that internal agenda, or motivation, extended to the people in the rural village where you volunteered.

    You wrote that you gave your parents advice- early on, you mean, as a child?

    What kind of pain or trouble were your parents in, when you were a child- what kind of pain or trouble were you able to help them with, or at least, you tried to help them with?

    anita

    #129051
    Jen
    Participant

    I like to help people be healthy because that is a strength of mine. So I taught life skills including health at that rural village. Also with my mom, I would help her with health advice. And my dad…well he had issues with this step-sis for years so he vented to me and I helped him stay positive. I was in high school when I would give the advice.

    #129057
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear ironwoman32:

    Your father, when you were in high school, vented to you his trouble with his daughter from his previous marriage and you helped him, trying to help him be positive, (hopeful for a better relationship with her, I suppose, it means). You tried to help your mother with her health.

    You wrote earlier: “I can’t recall anybody ever being displeased with me. Aside, from small trivial things…”-

    I am thinking you must have done a lot of helping other people to keep on top of no one being displeased with you. You only failed in trivial things. I think you have a strong demand of yourself, to help others, and when you fail, partly or fully, you feel very badly.

    Your motivation to help others is admirable. Except for the part of it that is hurting yourself.

    If you consider this last statement, and if you agree: what part of helping others is hurting you?

    anita

    #129063
    Jen
    Participant

    Yes, all for the family. I value family so much.

    YES! You got it. I feel like a failure when people are still sad. Like I can somehow help them. Or should help them (even though I know that it is pretty much impossible). Or I have no right to be so lucky if they are born into a difficult situation. So that’s why I became mentally drained after my volunteer stint. I felt like a failure the whole time because nothing I could do could help enough. And then I felt like an extra failure for allowing it to get me so unhealthy physically and mentally (because health is my thing!). To answer your last question, because it is never enough. I need to help more (but in some situations of great pain, I cannot function). So I am too weak to do some of the things that can help the most. For example, I could never be a therapist because I don’t have the skills to separate myself from feeling the pain of others. Or I can’t work in social service settings because they don’t make me feel good about myself (for helping) they make me feel terrible for the person suffering.

    #129069
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear ironwoman32:

    It would be a good thing if you could find a way to help others and not hurt yourself.

    It reads to me that likely, when you were a child, a young child, you observed the pain of your mother/ father (either one or both) and felt it greatly. Their pain threatened your feeling of safety. From personal experience, I know how threatening it is, for a younger child, to see a parent in great pain, physical, mental. The danger perceived is losing the hurting parent and being left behind, helpless.

    So the solution is to help the parent so that he/ she is strong enough to stay alive and be there for you, as you are dependent on them.

    To help others without hurting yourself, best, I believe, for you to attend competent therapy so to process those emotional experiences of early childhood when you held so tight to the “solution of helping others, so tight, that not helping, or not helping enough means dire consequences for you.

    There is this early anxiety here, for the child that you were, for the adult that you are, and so, it is not easy to deal with this.

    Post again, anytime.

    anita

    #129093
    Jen
    Participant

    Okay. This sounds accurate. And I remember a few times where I didn’t want my parents to hurt. Thank you for all of your help and for getting back to me so quickly. I already can breathe better. I will take your advice. One last thing, when I become a parent, should I make sure to hide any pain or suffering from my child so they don’t feel the same way?

    #129125
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear ironwoman32:

    You are welcome. When you are a parent, and you feel hurt, fear, pain, and/ or distress of any kind, two things:

    On one hand, don’t put on an act, pretending to be happy and joyful. Don’t pretend anything.
    On the other hand, do practice self discipline over how you express your distress.

    If your face naturally shows sadness, let it be. If a few tears happen automatically for you, let it be, it is okay and a good thing for your children to see their mother displaying emotions. They need to know it is okay for them too, to be sad, fearful, etc., and to express it.

    But do not turn a few tears to become a crying session, do not vent your distress to your children. Do not tell them the story or stories behind your distress. Be very short about the reason for your distress, never going on and on and on. Never tell your children anything like wishing you were dead, or life not being worth living, and such.

    As you do tell them why you are distressed, tell them succinctly, and add a positive comment to the story, something like you being able to endure the distress, being strong enough to handle the distressing situation. The children need to know they are in strong, good hands, that although you are distressed, you are strong enough to function anyway, strong enough to take care of yourself and of them. This way they can remain as carefree as children need to be.

    anita

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