Dear Cheryl:

So what you are saying is that in my example, you will not be responsible for my choices because you did not have the opportunity to tell me NOT to do these things. But as far as your ten year relationship, you remained silent, or cooperated with him, made your own choices, so you feel responsible, correct?

If I understood you correctly, then I agree, you are responsible for your participation in the relationship, for what you said and did and what you still say and do. And for what you choose not to say and do.

And you are still NOT responsible for what he says and does throughout these ten years.

If you become clear on who is responsible for what, you will know what to do next.

Some of the mess created was your doing and the right thing to do would be to correct it best you can. Some of the mess created is his doing, and it would be his responsibility to correct it best he can. You can’t make him do so, but you can do your part. Once you do your part to correct your poor choices, then you will be free of real guilt.

You did wrong to his wife by lying to her saying you are in her house to seek shelter.  You need to correct that. Not necessarily by telling her it was a lie, but by moving out. It will be wrong of you to stay because you are there based on a lie.

It is wrong of you to interact with their son, having to avoid his anger. That is causing you resentment. It is not a healthy relationship. To correct this, do move out and no longer interact with the child.

The man and his wife decided to have another child, as I understood it. Not a good choice, I think. But it was THEIR choice, not yours and there is nothing you can do about it.

Leaving that house and ending the relationship with the man is the best you can do, I strongly believe, to “save (this) family”- the title of your thread.

Will you do that?

anita