Dear Niki:

I can empathize with your pain, and I understand that right now, you feel lost and broken. I went through a similar scenario last year. While we only dated for a year, it did not hurt any less. He also promised me many things – arranged marriage would not be an issue, my non-South Indian background is fine, his parents would just want him to be happy, he acted single/hid me because he did not want his friends to gossip at work, etc. Sound a little bit familiar? Please know that I am not trying to generalize your pain, but these spineless men are more common than we imagine, and only during hardships, do they show you who they truly are – which is not who you thought you knew.

You still love him deeply, and hence may feel a lot of confusion toward his behavior and words, but what he has told you and shown you are very clear – 1) He will always prioritize his parents over you 2) He will not defend you in times of hardship 3) He will step into and out of your life as he pleases without a regard for your feelings. There is nothing confusing about this. It’s hard to let these facts sink in because this is the same person who told you he will love you unconditionally. Do not waste more sleepless nights thinking about his intentions…because regardless of what his intentions were for any of his actions, reality is that he hurt you and continues to hurt you.

He sounds confused too. On one hand, he would like to be the poster-child son to his parents. On the other hand, I’m sure 7 years is not easy to let go of; however, be selfish and do not consider his feelings nor the predicament he may be in. It sounds like he is in this limbo and depending on the day, he may feel one way or another. You cannot continue to wait on him, hoping that he will ultimately choose you. You do not want a man who did not choose you in the first place. You may think that marriage will provide the security and assurance you lack right now. Marriage is only a title, and marriage certainly does not fix character flaws. As others have commented, if an issue divides you and his family after marriage, he has already told you that he will choose his family.

What can you do to move on? First, you must respect yourself enough to close this chapter of your life. Your heart may not agree, but you know deep down that you can never trust him the same way. You have spent 7-9 years supporting him. It is time to spend the next 7-9 years bettering yourself. Pursue the education and career that you have suppressed because you were so focused on his happiness. If you invested this much time and love in yourself, your self-esteem would surely improve. It is not easy and it will not happen overnight, and make take months or years; however, do not let the length of this journey or fear stop you from moving forward. You are not alone. You have family and friends who love and care for you. You have the support of this community. He should not be the only thing that makes your life complete.

I learned through my experience that the greatest love I can receive is the love I create, grow, and nurture that comes from myself. This is the only love that I can guarantee to have forever. People come and go, and we must learn to not attach all of our happiness to others. If we do, what do we have when these people are no longer in our lives?

Please be kind to yourself. Believe in yourself. See where you can take yourself in the coming year.