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30 and still alone

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  • #142421
    tiny lantern
    Participant

    Dear all,

    I’ll try to make it short and sweet.

    • woman, 30, attractive
    • single – always, no intimate conversations, no kissing, no sex, nothing
    • looking for relationship since age 12
    • seemly never mutual – if mutual than never outspoken and always akward
    • have many friends
    • postgraduate degree (i know, that has no relevance)
    • strong and healthy family ties
    • everyone else in family happily married
    • moved back to parents after having lived away from home for 12 years, even in other countries for a few years because want to live family life and support parents and take care of my dad
    • lived on my own for three years
    • lived with all-together counted 10 people and got along very well with all of them (still friends with all of them)
    • well-paid job, happy there, getting along well with collegues
    • bad experience with a 1 year long-distance “relationship” that turned out wasn’t one. happened at age 20.
    • many men initially interested in me and then lose interest.
    • socially engaged (volunteer working with children and youth for years)
    • recently first time of a “relationship” that fell apart after 2,5 months because he lost interest
    • tried therapists and even a psychiatrist, all puzzled,  and started reading hundreds of articles and self-help books by the age of 23… still reading.
    • Tried everything from trying to not trying, from caring to not caring, still same result.
    • What is going wrong?!?!
    • Any ideas? Apart from living a happy life which I do?
    #142485
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear tiny lantern:

    I am up to the challenge of answering your question: “What is going wrong?!?!” – the question that left therapists and a psychiatrist puzzled, the question not answered in the hundreds of articles and self help books that you read and still reading. But I need more information and it will take some back and forth communication.

    1) You wrote that you looked for a relationship since you were 12- in what ways did you look for a relationship at that age? What thoughts, feelings and behaviors were involved in your looking for a relationship at that age?

    2) You wrote that everyone in your family is happily married: really? Everyone? How about your parents’ marriage: did you witness nothing but a happy marriage between them?

    anita

     

    #142493
    tiny lantern
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you so much for replying.

    1) Now that you ask, I fell in love much earlier. I remember being 7 or 8 when I once met the older brother of a class mate on whom I got a crush. I saw him only once but had to think every day of him. A year later I saw him again and he mocked me for my race and for being ugly but I still liked him. And didn’t see him again for at least a year. When I was 11 I had a crush on a dancing teacher who was very kind to me and I met at a winter camp. He was 15. I was obsessed with him until the age of 15, and always had to wait a year to see him again. We happened to see each other (circle of friends) a bit more often then (4 times a year) but as I got to know him better I lost all interest even though he started calling me and I felt he was a little interested. I remember that they he called me I was so happy. But I lost attraction soon after. We never talked about it. In school nobody was attracted to me, I was a no-go, simply because of race. When I was 16 I met a guy who was 21, a very good person, he lived three hours away from me. He had a crush on me but by the time I found out he already had a girl friend. We never talked about it either. There were a number of men I liked, who liked me as a person but didnt seem to be attracted to me. At age 18 I had a crush on someone but he was not interested in me and turned out to be bipolar. Once he became violent and threw me on the floor. I was so desperate that I was actually happy for the attention I received. I was so excited. We never talked about it and he just ignored and hated me.

    Then by the age of 20 I fell in love with a guy but he lived very far away. We kept chatting and messaging eachother every day and I spent hours on it. The rest of my life kind of was neglected, not all together but my studies for sure. We never talked about our relationship either and he was considerably older than me. When we met he lost interest in me. I wasnt exciting and confident enough. I texted him to tell him what i felt bur he said that he doesnt feel that way but still wants to be in touch with me. Later I found out that he did this with many people and he would sleep with multiple women and they wouldnt know of eachother. Also he would lie to me and not keep his promised.

    I wasnt resdy to let go and even though I started to date someone for a few times 2 years later I couldnt get over him. In my mid-twenties i would go on more dates with people but it was always the ones I wasnt interested in but I thought its important to gain experience. And who knows maybe something would develop if I got to know them better. But it never did. People say about me that i am very attractive and the guys like me. But they hardly ever ask me out. I fell in love with someone really sweet, fine character, but he was three years younger than me. He seemed interested at first I thought but he never took a first step so i tried to hint and meet up with him but it never worked. He then met a girl and married her. I almost failed university because of this. I now for the first time dated someone I liked too. He miraculously asked me out and reliably always called me since it was long distance. He did so much to be with me. But I started noticing possible red flags and felt so full of anxiety. I was so anxious he would leave me and he was irritated that I wouldn’t open up and share more about myself. He was always very open and the first man I could talk about the relationship itself with. But he started to lose interest, wanted to continue talking but not meet up again for a while and I thought this would only go downhill so I wrote him an email and broke up. It was a very respectful message and positive without blame. But I don’t want to be with someone who doesnt love me enough to want to see me. He never replied.

    Going back to your actual question: At the age of 12 I had a strong desire to be with that person and to be sexually involved. Obviously also I would always want it to be something lasting, like marriage. I decided not to be sexually involved with anyone unless it is serious enough for marriage. So i guess I saved myself from a lot of damage.

    Apart from obsessing in my mind I don’t know of any behaviour. I learned when i show interest or take initiative it turns people off. When i don’t it eventually does too.

     

    2) I think so. Of course my parents had difficult times too but they are good to eachother and still together. My mom often felt left alone though and is not content with her life. She is very good in denying things and often lies to herself and others (without noticing).

    #142545
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear tiny lantern:

    I read your other thread and your last post here. I will re-read it again later, so even though I am not responding to all that you wrote on this current post, I will later. At this point, I am referring to your last share, about your mother: “My mom often felt left alone though and is not content with her life. She is very good in denying things and often lies to herself and others (without noticing)”-

    I hope it is not going to be difficult for you to elaborate on this (the quoted, above)- I think it can help me in my quest for the answer or answers. Will you then elaborate, an example or two can help.

    anita

    #142557
    tiny lantern
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for taking time, I appreciate this a lot. My parents divided work quiet strictly, but based on an agreement of both. my father said he’ll be the breadwinner and my mother will take care of us and the house. However, my father was always okay with her to work to if she wanted. She had a nanny, babysitters, cleaners (who would also make lunch), gardeners, you name it and was involved in charity and travelling for it. But somehow she felt not valued and is annoyed that my father doesnt help more at home even though he brings home the money and she gets all the paid help. It seems whatever he does is not good enough for her and she is still upset about having to bring is up “alone” even though I remember being alone a lot as a kid because she was either not there or emotionally not available (sleeping during the day, etc). Until today she accuses him because his family was so jealous of her life that they made hers very difficult by being unkind and talking behind her back. But I think a problem is that she always wanted to be liked by them instead of just enjoying life.

    #142571
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear tiny lantern:

    This is my understanding at this point.

    You wrote about your mother: “She is very good in denying things and often lies to herself and others (without noticing)”- can you imagine that you are doing the same (it is quite common)?

    You wrote in your original post: “everyone else in family happily married”- this is not true. Your parents have not and are not happily married.

    You wrote, in your original post, that you have “strong and healthy family ties”- strong they are, I believe. But healthy- I don’t believe so.

    In your account of your crushes over guys from a very early age, it is clear to me that you were very needy, quite desperate for an intimate connection with someone, because you didn’t have such at home, with your parents.

    You wrote about one of your experiences with a man: “Once he became violent and threw me on the floor. I was so desperate that I was actually happy for the attention I received. I was so excited”- this means to me that indeed you were desperate (your chosen word) for attention, for closeness.

    In your last post you wrote: “I remember being alone a lot as a kid because she was either not there or emotionally not available (sleeping during the day, etc)

    There it is: a lonely child, desperate for attention, for closeness.

    You are good at getting along with people (“lived with all-together counted 10 people and got along very well with all of them (still friends with all of them)…getting along well with colleagues”) – but superficially. You wrote in your original post: “no intimate conversations”. Regarding the guy that threw you on the floor, you wrote “We never talked about it.” Regarding another guy, you wrote”: “We never talked about out relationship” and was it yet another guy you wrote about: “He was irritated that I wouldn’t open up and share more”

    I am ready with an answer: You haven’t had an intimate relationship with a man yet, at 30, even though you have yearned for such for a long, long time because you suffered as a child from severe lack of attention, particularly from your mother. You also observed an unhealthy, distant relationship between your parents. As a result, you are emotionally closed and you do not open up to a man, you don’t share. You remain distant, keeping your thoughts, feelings and experiences to yourself. Men lose interest because you are almost not present there, with them. You are closed off, unavailable.

    In short: you haven’t had a relationship with a man because you haven’t been present for one, because you haven’t been available for one.

    Your thoughts?

    anita

     

     

    #142575
    tiny lantern
    Participant

    Well, my mother would surely deny this and be upset about this. Because it wasn’t always like this… we would go on family vacations etc. But any way, I perceived being alone a lot.

    I think I used to be a lot like my mom in terms of lying, particularly lying about why i wasn’t “present” (in school literally) and why I wouldn’t be able to perform (school and other tasks).

    My difficulty is with the last guy particularly that he had this image of me of coming from a good family, and being similar to him. His parents were conservative and his mother was a helicopter mom. He assumed my life was the same. He’s a ‘high performer’ now, very athletic, working hard, prestige etc. I felt ashamed opening up about my ‘failures’ and being brought up more neglected even though my family are ‘high performers’ too. I always got more along with kids who had an addict as a parent and don’t care so much about prestige but real relationships. I was worried if I told him about my life he would reject me. At one point though he felt I was too needy I think. He said he just wants to get to know me and I wanted more commitment. You see, I either show too little and when I show a little more of my authentic feelings it’s too much -.-

    #142581
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear tiny lantern:

    In this context, this thread, in communication with me, it will not be “too much” for me, if you show “a little more of (your) authentic feelings”- as a matter of fact, it will not be too much for me if you show a whole lot, all, of your authentic feelings. I will reply to you empathetically and respectfully no matter what authentic feelings you express here. Therefore, I am inviting you to take advantage of this opportunity. It can be very helpful to you, and cannot possibly harm you, not in communication with me.

    Reality is, it is not safe to share all with just anyone, including with your mother. It clearly harmed you in the past, sharing your authentic feelings with her (as children naturally do, before they are stopped…)

    There are many other people, like your mother, with whom sharing your authentic self is an invitation to rejection and condemnation. This is why you have to be selective, to learn who the person is, over time, before sharing.

    anita

    #142583
    tiny lantern
    Participant

    I wouldn’t know what else to share now. Except that I really miss the guy I dated last. But he doesn’t seem to miss me. He probably already forgot me or is happy that I broke up before he would break up with me. Saves him from feeling guilty. He never wrote back, nothing.

    #142585
    tiny lantern
    Participant

    I wish I could re-connect with him but I don’t want to come across as needy. Also I really had thought it through, there was a high risk he could have been a commitment phobe. I talked it through with a few males in my family (that was a first) and they said I should break up as a guy who says he wants friendship first and not talk about commitment and let things develop naturally is not really interested.

    #142587
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear tiny lantern:

    Regarding the last guy: you wrote that he assumed your life was the same as his. People do make assumptions, often being wrong. This is why honest communication is important- you can let a person know how it really is or has been for you. Your true information will replace the wrong assumptions.

    But it is possible that his assumption was correct- maybe he too was a lonely child. Maybe you had a lot in common, but you made the assumption, the wrong assumption perhaps, that his experience was not like yours. Maybe he needed attention and closeness as intensely as you did,  and it didn’t happen.

    You wrote that you felt ashamed opening up about your “failures” being brought up neglected- but it was not your failures. When a child is neglected, it is the failure of the parents, not the child’s.

    You were worried that if you tell him about your life he would reject you. But what was the benefit of you not sharing with him? You are not together with him, are you… There would have been no loss to you if you did share the truth with him. Possibly, there could have been a great gain: that closeness you need so much

    You wrote that at one point “he felt i was too needy I think”- that is your assumption. As if being needy is a faulty character. As if it is not natural to need love.

    When he said he just wants  to get to know you- he was on the right track. He was correct: one does need to know a person before committing to that person.

    In your last post you wrote that you could reconnect with him, but you don’t want to come across as needy. But, tiny lantern, there is nothing wrong or unnatural about being needy. He is needy too. A healthy, loving relationship is when two people are okay with being needy and they two do their best to give each other what they need: attention, kindness.

    The advice given to you by your male relatives is wrong. A guy should get to know a woman first before committing. A woman should know a guy before committing, don’t you think?

    If I was you, I would contact this guy, but I would share with him authentically, so he knows you are available, that you are okay with you being needy. That would mean that you are okay with him being needy.

    It would be scary to contact him, but other than those feelings, in practicality, in real life, you have absolutely nothing to lose and you have the possibility to gain a whole lot.

    If you choose to contact him and you need advice regarding how to do so, let me know.

    anita

    #142743
    tiny lantern
    Participant

    I contacted him a few weeks ago to congratulate him to his birthday and he replied and thanked me, said he hoped i was fine and happy and wished me the best for the year. :/ that doesnt sound like interest to me 🙁

    #142747
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear tiny lantern:

    If you were not available to him when in ongoing contact, if you did not share with him your thoughts and feelings, if you were closed to him-

    What would his interest be about (“that doesn’t sound like interest to me”)?

    anita

    #142749
    tiny lantern
    Participant

    I don’t know. I think at the beginning things were fine. He shared a lot about himself and I listened and just accepted him the way he was. He also liked the way I would think about the world. He made a lot of effort for me, but I had difficulties to warm up even though I felt attracted. I was so just so worried that i could get hurt.

    #142751
    tiny lantern
    Participant

    …and that he would walk away. so i just walked away first when i felt that he got uncertain about things.

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