A recurrent theme in my life is things where the odds were against them happening always seems to happen to me. The only way I can describe it is that it seems I have a poltergeist following me around setting me up in situations that often are distressing for me. I could list numerous examples but I will use my experiences in my several homes over the years. I have experienced every phobia I have in my homes with events and problems that seem to focus on my own specific fears. I don’t even want to describe them right now just that I have experienced way more than common ordinary problems in my homes.

I have even got into trouble for things that seemed to have happened to me. I have never woken up and said “let’s see, what can I do wrong today?” I have even said to people “Just once I would like to get into trouble for something I caused.” I never want to cause trouble though so I am left with it always finding me. I even obsess over not causing trouble. I second guess almost every move I make wondering what or how what I say or do will affect anyone. So I have felt victumized by things that don’t seem like coincidences to me. Those coincidences often target my specific phobias and undermine the only traits of my personality I am proud of.

I lost my friend because I could not forgive what I felt was criticism of me. I felt she had everything else that I couldn’t have and I felt she was responsible for taking away the only things I had to be proud of. I know I am not making this clear but I still feel the unfairness of things I have had to deal with.

I miss my friend but our relationship played out and we were obviously not going down the same road. I am sure she has many friends, is happy and doesn’t need me.

I kinda lost another friend although she hasn’t unfriended me on fb. I still “like” her posts but she ignores mine completely. I don’t feel like going into my story with her. It’s not long or overly dramatic, I just want to move on for the moment.

I have been fired from jobs because of crying. I can’t tell you how often I have cried in my life. I believe I suffer from PMDD. Supplements and herbs help and I have had the same symptoms since I was a teenager. I really don’t want to talk about my problem with this right now. I only brought it up as a possible cause of my becoming almost a different person every month.

I have been fired, I have quit, I have shown up to work with signs saying sorry we’ve closed. I did do work selling books for awhile but I lost that job because of my emotional problems. No employer ever had a problem with my work though except maybe my current one but it could be my perception.

I would like to get into my strange relationship with men. Men have found me attractive but I have always wondered why. It’s complicated. I am pretty much pleased with the way I look but I have been somewhat overweight since I have been an adult. I eat to medicate myself. I wonder if there is any truth to wanting to make yourself unattractive? I had plenty of physical opportunities with men but I never experienced that feeling that I was someone worth fighting for. Like if I didn’t respond to him immediately it was like ok. I never felt any man loved me. I wasn’t special. I wasn’t worth flowers. No man wanted to protect me either. I felt as if I wasn’t even female. I am upsetting myself right now. In fact I feel that men hate me. I was too honest, too opinionated, too independent..I felt/feel different from other women. Like I am here to be alone and be happy for the all the women who are loved. I don’t know how that happened. I was a pretty girl, I was intelligent, I was talented, I was open to being friends with others. All my potential…I feel I have not taken care of my looks, I quit high school to find peace but I was on the honor roll and could have gone to college. I loved books and learning and education is so important to me. I can draw and I love to write but I have no career in either one.

I wanted someone to see me and I actually thought someone did a few years ago but I can talk about him later. I cried for months though after he and I stopped talking mostly initiated by him and then me not wanting to be pushy.

I will post again tomorrow. It shouldn’t take me much longer.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 7 months ago by Lisa.
• This reply was modified 7 years, 7 months ago by Lisa.