Pinch of Attitude I am sorry you had a cold. I am glad you are doing better. How am I? I am kinda depressed right now. I am trying to tell my life story and I was feeling better but I research too much about my problem and I feel there is no hope for me and I can’t bear doing things I don’t like on a daily basis when I can not get my own basic needs met.
I am so glad for you that you have a husband like that. Thank you for your advice on relationships although I merely have family that is kinda stuck with me and really no relationships at all anymore. I am truly sad. I don’t know why he hasn’t come along or why he won’t.
Yeah I fight but it’s like I won’t except that I’m losing or lost. Men around me everyday tell me in small ways that I am not worthwhile. I didn’t know what to do then, how in the world am I going to know what to do now?
Writing is all I have. Thank you for the nice things you said and for taking the time to read my thoughts and try to help me. I can not wait for the day when I feel strong enough to help other people. Thank you.
Thank you Anita for liking the way I put things…and thank you for offering to put together my entries and share your thoughts. I really do appreciate it but please do not take on anything too time consuming.
I will try to explain more this morning but very depressed so I might be more emotional than usual and it “might” be short.
Through the 00’s I had a long list of roommates who were all younger than me. Some I got along with very well. Some not at all and some who dismissed me as someone to take advantage of, leaving me with bills etc. A lot of issues happened in the house I was renting. The fire, one of my roommates was assaulted by someone she brought home when she passed out from something she was given. I still don’t know what the full story was. I was woken up by policemen early in the morning but my door to my room was jammed shut by a computer desk given to me that was propped up against the door that night. I just happened to get it that night. I wish I knew what was going on but I was asleep and I heard no noise.
I talked to the detective but I couldn’t tell him much. On a very side note as I am talking about something serious and only because it pertains to what my life problem has been, the detective thought I looked much younger than I actually was. I was about 34-35 at the time. He then said goodbye. Like I said I am only bringing that up because I am talking about my experience with men. The roomnate thanked me for talking to the detective but I wish I was able to protect her or help her in some way. My survival mind wanted to ask her “What were you thinking bringing home some guy you just met?” My empathetic mind just feels compassion for her and even though they both exist my empathetic mind when it comes to others always comes out more. My survival mind is always there though and I would have not taken that chance.
I can get deep into my thoughts of men but I am afraid of what I might think of them based on my own experiences. Socially I am very liberal but when it comes to personal relationships I am very conservative and even my grandfather said back when I was a teenager that I built a wall around myself. I’m afraid. I have seen wonderful men but they don’t seem to find me. These men often compliment me but they are usually with someone else or go no further than a comiment and then move on. They find my family and friends.
I will continue later, I am trying to wrap this up. I know in my head that I talk and talk and don’t take action in things that could improve my life but I think my reasons might be rooted in several reasons which is why it’s difficult for me.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 