Dear Andrew:

Am I understanding correctly:

your mother told lies about you to a priest, trying to prevent your happy marriage from taking place. Following that you didn’t talk for a couple of years. To smooth things over you apologize to her for… her wrongdoing.

After your marriage you visited your mother you… displeased her by sharing that you didn’t intend to have kids. Again, she is angry with you and there is no talking. And again, you are considering smoothing things over and apologize to her in a letter.

If I am correct, smoothing things over will, I believe,  alleviate “this horrible feeling” and give you some peace for a little while. Until next time you displease your mother.

When you  left England eleven years ago to “get away from some old negative past issues”- you got a break, but the past is with you as long as you keep visiting your family members who present these negative issues, your mother, for one; as long as you communicate with them, and as long as you still need them to be okay with you.

anita