Hello,

@PearceHawk, thank you for your time and words. Your metaphor actually makes a lot of sense. Sometimes we are so absorbed by the problem we can’t see things clearly.

At the same time that I feel guilty for staying so long and for allowing him to manipulate me, I still feel like he’s not that bad and maybe he could change. It’s like the rational part of me knows that patterns never change and the emotional part of me wants desperately him to. Anyway, the good news is that I feel that my rational part is gaining more and more space in my mind.

Yes, jealousy was always a problem between us. At first I wasn’t really jealous, but he was so controlling that I started to believe that this was how a relationship should be (as he is my first boyfriend ever).

Today, what scares me the most is that I will never be able to trust anyone anymore. Maybe I was in an abusive relationship and it’s kinda hard for me to admit it because I let that happen. I was always so sure I loved myself, insecurity was never a problem to me (at least I thought so).

But when I saw him flirting with this girl and then discovering he actually had sex with her shook all my self esteem away. I was so sure he was never going to do something with her, even when we were apart. Mostly because she’s not intelligent, she’s not classy, not beautiful nor educated, she doesn’t work or have a career, she doesn’t study. Also, she have had sex with all of his friends, including his brother. So I used to thought he was different and that he had higher standards. But truth his that he didn’t and he was also available to keep on going out with her, making holiday trips with his friends and her by his side. I mean, it was not only sex, they were together somehow and they were hanging out as a couple.

He says he regrets it, that he was depressive and didn’t know what to do. But still. And even when we were talking back again and trying to figure things out he was still seeing her and lying to me about it. Actually, he still does and says everything I discover was just a coincidence and that never happened when we were together or trying to. He swears he cut her off when we started talking again (but I simply can’t believe that).

Thing is, it shouldn’t mean nothing anymore. I don’t want to stay in this relationship, therefore it shouldn’t bother me anymore, but it does and i’m almost obsessively thinking about it. That’s why I experience this rollercoaster of emotions, in one minute I’m so angry at him (and at myself) and next minute I’m feeling pity for him.

@Anita,

To explain what I meant maybe is better to say how I feel. I feel like I’m never going to be able to love somebody like I loved him (in the same intensity) and I’m afraid I will never be able to let go of this feeling.

I frequently see love stories of two people we were never able to let go, or to stop loving someone eventhough years went by. Like this is the only one and true love. And that true love only happens once.

I know that forgetting is not possible (unless I have amnesia or something haha), he is part of my story now. But what I mean is I fear he is my only true love and therefore I will never stop loving him, or that it will never happen again. Like this will never be over.