Correction : In the PS, i do not meant that to a person, and I do not want me to sound like a really monster. The only thing i want to do is to share this situation and to find a clue, when  i do not find myself in meditation and praying .

Thank you!

Hellooo!! Namaste !

Dear Anita:

Thank you for response. This made me to reach to another level of understanding myself.

The inner forces means that there are 2 parts of my mind. One tells me to continue the things that i am doing right now -go to work, finish the faculty, get a better job (mor like in domain), get married, make kids, raise them, etc. The other tells me that i do not want any illusions anymore; doing that i find myself returning to the beggining, where men lived in nature peacefully. The truth is that i am acting like a coward. The first part is like a made up plan from society, i am living with it, and the most of the time i accepted it, and the second is like an utopic lifestyle which i found it somewhere along the way in books, movies or stories. I am not brave enought to do one of the parts (ways) correctly . I feel cought in the middle.

Here comes the outer forces. I found them in people surrounding me that have their own battles that hurts me too, knowingly or unknowingly . So i see people fighting with each other. EG: the good from X with the bad from Y. In the next day is vice versa. I find myself in each side of the battle. How much identification with the others, right? And i know is not good for me. And i fall for that so that is why i reach to a point where i said to myself : ” Why are you fighting each other? Why are we still fighting? So little understanding. Why we see so much problems when there are none? ” So i find myself in a scenarios where i do terrible things to humanity, just beacause i want all the ”problems” gone with humans along, and all i just want is peace to myself and everybody and to be  grateful that i am still alive and that i am healty.

I do not want any harm to other people, but i realize that there are moments when i meditate and i reach plains of peace and joy for a few minutes and after that or in the other days i get stuck in negativism which i get from other people (eg: work,home,school, internet) and i respond to that low vibrations.

I want you too understand when i am in that state of unconsciousness which i let my ego to drive me to thoughts of destruction, i still find people that i love much, people i want to be protected. When i come back to a relaxed state ( after sleep, meditation, or praying) i realize that i do not want to harm anyone, not even a fly. I am a very happy person in general and i get stuck sometimes, but i never had a scenario where i am a very destructive power. I do not feel terrible of this thoughts, i understand them and i know that are not good at all. I am thinking this is happening beacause i reach some states of happiness, and the subconscious tryies to send me to a scale of low vibrations. I do not really know for sure yet.

Thank you very much for response again. It hepled me alot to grow.

Homi