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- This topic has 7 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 10 months ago by Anonymous.
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July 6, 2017 at 7:24 am #156624dadari83Participant
I divorced 2 years ago, and I was completely fine with it until my ex started dating and started introducing his new gf to our son. I have been struggling with it because I really believed he was gay, I mean, in our 5 year marriage and 1 year of dating prior we barely had sex, and it was him who didnt want to, the few times we did have sex it was because I started it; even on our wedding night he didn´t feel like it cause he needed to wake up early in the morning to catch the final of the FormulaOne race.
Now that he has a gf, i come to understand that maybe he wasn´t gay and that what my mom said is true, he married me in order to get the citizenship… and that sucks… how can someone marry another just for a Passport?
Sadly I can´t cut him off my life, since we have a child, i get to interact with him on a weekly bases…and is killing me…
How can I move on? How can I forgive him and reléase the pain? I am pretty tired to walk around with this heave weight on my chest.
Thank you for Reading
July 6, 2017 at 8:28 am #156636AnonymousGuestDear dadaru83:
You asked how can you move on, forgive him release the pain. You need to know what happened first, don’t you, in order to release the pain? Reads to me that you don’t know why he married you. You suspect it was for citizenship.
Was there a talk between the two of you, before (or after) marrying about his citizenship, or his lack of sexual interest?
anita
July 6, 2017 at 8:46 am #156638dadari83ParticipantWell he did push for the citizenship and only agreed to move out of the house after he got his Passport…. he never answered me about why he married me, or why he had not interest in sex…. i have tried to talk to him, in order to get closure and he just doesnt answer and I cant seem to find a way for him to answer me. I need to find closure without ever finding out what happened…. is that even possible?
thank you Anita for answering me
July 6, 2017 at 9:08 am #156648AnonymousGuestDear dadari83:
Without more information, since he will not provide that for you, focus on the present, on the interactions you have to have with him because he is the father of your child. Focus on the well-being of your child, on your and his parenting of your child, see to it that it is done right.
I suppose you felt better when you thought he was gay and worse since he has a girlfriend because now you think that you were not loved, not because of his sexual orientation, but because he didn’t love you. Is that it?
anita
July 6, 2017 at 9:51 am #156662dadari83ParticipantYes, thats whats hurting me, that he used me and didnt love me. That he was able to bring a tiny human into the world knowing that as soon as he got the passport he would be out the door.
What hurts is realizing he planned everything from the start…i never thought this kind of evil was real,let alone that it would happen to me.
July 6, 2017 at 10:03 am #156666AnonymousGuestDear dadari83:
It is quite evil, to plan using you and brining a child into the world with the plan to separate from, as in not being there in person for the child, once he achieved his aim.
You wrote that you didn’t know “this kind of evil was real” but it is. All kinds of evil, are real, unfortunately. And these don’t only happen to other people.
You mentioned forgiving, in your original post. I couldn’t do it, nor will I try to forgive a person who has done certain things, or, if he/ she has done lesser things, not having sincerely regretted those things.
As far as letting go of the hurt and anger over what he did, as you continue to interact with him, will it help if you tell him, not ask him, but tell him that you know what he did, believe you know what he did (or did you already tell him?)
anita
July 6, 2017 at 10:09 am #156670dadari83ParticipantYes, I have told him my theory he just ignored me by giving me the silent treatment. I guess i just have to accept what has happened and wait for karma to pay him back…
July 6, 2017 at 11:06 am #156676AnonymousGuestDear dadari83:
I guess there is no way for you to right this situation, and so you have no choice, for your own well being, but to accept what happened- not as right, but as what happened. To accept it means to stop fighting with the reality of what happened, trying to understand it further, trying to communicate with him again. It is what it is.
It is where your focus in that will make the difference for you. If you focus on trying to forgive him, that will keep you, I believe, in the trap of focusing on what he did. Focus elsewhere is the key, on your life, your child’s life, the practical matters of the day.
It is unforgivable, what he did, so don’t try to forgive him. Focus on the hopeful parts of your life, not on the hopeless.
anita
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