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Kitchen Meltdown

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  • July 7, 2017 at 8:55 pm #156972
    Cruzzie
    Participant

    “Be gentle with yourself, you are doing the best you can.” (I’m telling this to myself.) enjoy the ensuing rant. make with it what you will. reply & thank you for reading. Btw this happened about an hour ago, just to remind you that I’m a mess too.

    I feel like if I don’t get this off my chest, I’m going to go insane and have another panic attack. I don’t know what else to do. I have no one to talk to and I’m so lonely. I’m not a writer but I have no other outlet right now, so I’m letting this all out frantically on my laptop to help keep myself grounded.

    Okay, so recently I became vegan to help myself become healthier, detox…essentially I made a tiny change amidst a bunch of changes I’m trying to undertake in order to heal myself. Anyways, tonight I decided to make some vegan cookies. I just needed to give myself something to do to keep myself busy…because if I don’t occupy my mind or at least attempt to, I have intrusive negative thoughts and the memories of my ex that, right now, feel like knives stabbing me in the heart every time they pop up (which unfortunately is often) just flood my mind.

    So I went to the store, got all the ingredients and I was feeling excited. I was feeling great about trying something new and  doing it for myself. I started preparing everything, a little clumsily, because go figure I’m not a great cook, but all was well. I finished the batch put them in the oven and felt a bit of a small accomplishment. That was until I realized I forgot to add the almond milk! The ensuing minutes I can’t even describe want happened. I felt hot, my heart started beating fast, and I instantly started berating myself for being so stupid that I couldn’t even follow simple cooking instructions. I went from forgetting one ingredient to thinking “ God, I can’t do anything right. This is why I suck and no one will ever want me.” The thoughts of my ex that are always at bay waiting to torment me of course came in. I thought about my ex cheating on me, how she’s moved on and is with someone else, and how I’m here in my kitchen alone, a total failure. I broke down and started crying over something so stupid as baking cookies. I looked around my kitchen and thought the mess I created was a big symbol of my life, one giant disaster. I didn’t know what to do. My mind was literally fucking me up. I couldn’t think straight. And then I realized I had to clean up this mess. I live alone, no one was going to come and do it for me, and I couldn’t just leave it for the next day. Waking up to it would only make me feel worse. So I turned my brain off, as best I could, and focused on something I knew I was good at, cleaning. I can clean for hours and sometimes I do when I’m stressed. So I cleaned everything up, just like that. I started thinking if I can clean up this giant disaster then I could clean my life up too. If I just focused on my strengths (cleaning) and not my weaknesses (baking) I would come out the other side okay. I didn’t have to let the fact that I can’t cook well destroy me. I could just see that it is an area that I can improve in. It doesn’t have to take away any value from me. And damn it if I didn’t go to the store and spend $27, I made another batch. The second time I paid more attention to the instructions, and the cookies came out okay, they weren’t perfect, but I feel proud of myself for accomplishing something. And I am NOT worthless.

    So there it is. I had a meltdown in my kitchen, not because of cookies, but because I need to learn to love myself and remember that what my ex has done to me is not a reflection of my value. I am enough. Still working…everyday.

    July 8, 2017 at 6:54 am #156988
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cruzzie:

    Once again, I am so impressed by your writing, by the clarity and organization of your thinking as expressed in your writing. Straightforward, clear, free from unnecessary add-ons. You wrote that you are a mess, but your writing doesn’t read at all like a mess, it reads very sane, organized.

    The kitchen meltdown is a perfect example of what happens when one mistake (forgetting to add the almond milk to the cookies) is extended to all-or-nothing distorted thinking to “I can’t do anything right..a total failure…I suck” and continues to  predicting the future distorted thinking, “no one will ever want me” (I learned these in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy).

    It is very encouraging that you proceeded to clean the kitchen and that you redid the cookies. Excellent job in the kitchen and writing about it!

    anita

    July 8, 2017 at 7:37 am #157000
    PearceHawk
    Participant

    Cruzzie I cannot agree more with what Anita said. Let me share with you an embarrassing moment I had in the kitchen. It was a moment that left me with feeling like a total ass, very humiliated. Once upon a time this girl that I worked with started feeling attracted to each other. We talked about generic things as people often times do in the beginning. So I bragged how I was good at baking cookies. One afternoon she called me on it. I invited her over so she can witness a not so world class cookie baker reveal his top secret technique. So I made the cookie dough and put them in the oven. I don’t know what it was, maybe being nervous, but when I turned on the oven (didn’t know I had to preheat it) without realizing it at the time, I put the oven mode on self clean. It was an old oven. When I did this, the oven door locked. I guess it was a safety thing. When the oven is on clean and the door locked, it went to 500 degrees. Eventually the smoke alarm went off so the first thing I went to downs try to open the oven door, which I couldn’t. I had to pull the oven away from the wall and unplug it. I can turn cookie dough into charcoal.

    I am glad that she got a HUGE laugh out of it. But at the time I thought her laughter confirmed what I was told my whole life by my step-dad, that I was a loser, which I am not. What made the matter worse was that she left probably 10 minutes later. I had an emotional meltdown even though it was an internal event that I did not show. But that scene that played out was a precursor for me to realize that what I was told by my step-dad was not real. The way he treated mesas a reflection of himself and was not even remotely close to who I knew I was inside. That moment was the beginning for me to ask myself what else is in the closet that I need top throw out. I reflected on my upbringing and found many, many things that I thought all this time defined me, in a very inaccurate way. Little by little, as I started to throw out that trash, I felt more clear. I came in touch with who I really was and not some arrogant narcissistic person said I was. I think your kitchen melt downs are an opportunity for you to look at what people in your past have falsely told you who you are, allowing you to paint the picture of who you truly are, it’s a book with blank pages for you to write about what you went through and how you changed all that to show the amazingly beautiful person that you are. We all have a Phoenix inside us. Release it, cruzzie, and just be ready to accept how obviously beautiful you truly are.

    With regards to your ex…growing up with my step-dad was, at the very best, THE worst nightmare for me, besides the Middle East experience. But there is one thing that I shall be forever indebted to him for. That was he showed me how not to be, like him. Perhaps you can look at how your ex treated you as a reminder how not to be, like your ex. Sometimes in our efforts to realize this gift is difficult, understandably. When you get stalled out in changing this way of thinking, it is tempting to say that you hit that proverbial glass ceiling. To you I say, if you think you have hit the proverbial glass ceiling, regardless of what that ceiling is made of, I would like you to do something for you. Tonight, go outside and stare at the universe and stars, and realize that what you are seeing, is your glass ceiling, one that can open up for you to embrace endless possibilities.

    Pearce

    July 11, 2017 at 7:18 pm #157576
    Cruzzie
    Participant

    Hello again Ms. Anita!

    Many thanks! I have been through several sessions of CBT, group therapy, 2 inpatient, and 1 intensive outpatient program now. Learning and being introduced to the things like “all-or-nothing thinking” hasn’t always shed light or been easy for me to apply in my life, unfortunately. When I was younger, I always thought “what a load of crap.” Now that I’ve had my recent crisis all the things I wasn’t noticing before are starting to make sense and I’m applying as many of the tools I’ve learned to every situation that I can. My perspective is changing. It is very uncomfortable to not go back to old habits of negative thinking but I keep telling myself its only because “this is new and I am in a state of growth.”

    Another thing, you said my writing doesn’t reflect me being a mess. I am not surprised you said that. I unfortunately am the type of person that appears calm, collected and together but also happens to be screaming inside. I do not share my feelings and am very reluctant to seek help. I think thats why I was able to go so long “looking put together” to outsiders… until I just hit the wall 🙁

    July 11, 2017 at 7:40 pm #157578
    Cruzzie
    Participant

    Hello Pearce,

    Wow, what a story. I had no idea ovens ‘lock’ and do that haha!

    Reading your response has shed a lot of light on how I berate myself. I like that you called it “throwing out trash.” You’re absolutely right, it is trash. I’m not going to lie, I almost got a little teary eyed reading the last bit and paragraph where you were talking about releasing all the things that tie us down, your step-father, and coming to the realization of how beautiful we are.  Releasing the “Phoenix”– I’ve always loved that symbolism of rising from the ashes. It’s very beautiful. I recently saw a meme that said “Shoutout to the pain that gave me understanding.” I took it to heart and I think I really understood what it meant. I have to take my painful experiences and not let them be a reflection on myself, as a validation for self-loathing. People that hurt us can also be a lesson as to how we never want to be, so I thank you for that. I never thought of it that way with my ex.

    Thank you so much for your response. And I like to star gaze, but I will look at my “glass ceiling’ and think our your words.

    July 12, 2017 at 7:14 am #157600
    PearceHawk
    Participant

    Hi Cruzzie,

    I hope that this day, this moment brings you much peace, love, and happiness as you blaze your own trail that creates many wonderful memories. The oven event happened a number of years ago, (sounds like a contest) happened a number of years ago while I lived in an older duplex apartment. The oven was old school so I don’t know if the new ones of today lock during the cleaning cycle. I really don’t care to know either. This was the same place that has another funny story that maybe I’ll share for another time.

    I used to have meltdowns, not only in the kitchen but at the traffic light, for example, or the linear the grocery store. As time went on I had not realized that I was doing it. I took it as being normal, just me being me. As time went on, I payed attention to it and realized that this meltdown was in fact, me being me. I often times thought to myself, “Is this really me being a jerk?” It was an eye opener when I realized the truth, that it was me being me. I really did not like that realization. It was upsetting to say the least, for me to think that all this time it was ok to have these meltdowns, it was normal, that this is how life is. Then I got really confused that this meltdown came from within me. I got into an argument with myself thinking,I don’t want to be this person. For me to say that, is owning it. If I was to own it, I could either accept it and pull out a bag of excuses to justify it, or, I could change me. For me to change me to be a better person, was something that I chose to do. When I decided to act on that decision, I experienced an unexpected feeling. I had this feeling of relief on a scale that I cannot describe. It was, for lack of a better word, liberating. This liberation came as a result of me owning it. It being my decision to change. It was powerful. I felt “clear,” new, if that makes sense. A friend of mine picked up on this change and called me on it. He asked what it was that made me seem different. I told him of my all too frequent episodes of having meltdowns. At some point in the conversation he used the word, frustrated a lot. He said my meltdowns were as a result of being frustrated. The frustrations, he said, were from a number of goals I had, no matter if they were small or large, not being met with regards to the goals I had being very close together. That probably doesn’t make sense…it was easier for me to understand when he said that frustration is goal directed behavior that is blocked. I had a number of goals that I had not seen through fruition and started another goal. When this happens, there is a series of so called failures that evolve into frustration, and when these failures are met with another and another, meltdowns occur. Having ADHD, this made sense to me. What I did to eliminate my meltdowns and greatly reduce my frustrations, was for me to prioritized my goals. I did this by placing a certain level of importance on my priorities. If I saw that I was getting jammed in accomplishing one goal, I stepped back and looked at my approach to whatever it was I was trying to accomplish. If I didn’t reach the timeframe that I set my goal for, I found a lot of power in thinking, “so what?”. Sure there are goals that I don’t think so-what about because of the level of importance I placed on them. All the things that I did to change for the better, was my Phoenix, and continues to be. I felt silly thinking that making this change was so simple but I didn’t realize it at the time. There is more to that approach but I hope that you get then idea. My frustrations at the traffic light continue but nowhere near the level it used to be.

    Cruzzie there arriver 7 billion residents on this planet. Not a single one is like you- an amazingly beautiful person. Carry your Phoenix wherever you go and don’t be afraid to let it loose. Enjoy the stars as you map out your journey. Embrace the loving, beautiful person that you are as you continue to change and be the person that you wish to be. Don’t change your goals Cruzzie. Capture them.

    Pearce

    July 12, 2017 at 7:35 am #157610
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cruzzie:

    You are welcome.

    If  you would like, can you elaborate on your sentence: “I unfortunately am the type of person that appears calm, collected and together but also happens to be screaming inside” – I would like to know more about what it means to you to “be screaming inside” and how, while you are screaming inside, do you manage to appear “calm, collected and together”- how do you do that? And since when?

    anita

    July 12, 2017 at 6:17 pm #157830
    Cruzzie
    Participant

    Anita,

    The reason I say that is actually because of what other people have told me, what they have observed. I’ve always felt like I was a darker person, and when I say that I mean, for as long as I can remember depression has always been in my life. Very mildly at times but there was always something there. I thought maybe its just my personality, maybe I was just a pessimist, “a realist,”  and I never recognized negative self talk was a default for me. I was always a loner growing up, always felt misunderstood, uncomfortable and not confident in myself. So when people would tell me that I had everything seemingly ‘together’ I would always be surprised. I would think to myself, “you have no idea how much I wish I had self-confidence that other’s around me seem to have” or “why do I worry and think so much? I wish i could stop it.” I minimize my accomplishments and have never been able to accept compliments well. I would always tell people “psssh, I haven’t done anything special that someone else could not have done better.” And that’s sad. I follow everything positive I do with a negative comment, or downplay it. To me I always wasn’t doing good enough, I could always do more…I felt sad, lonely, confused, & less than. But on the outside I was cool as a cucumber. I even had someone in a group therapy session tell me “I would never have guessed you struggle with depression because you seem so carefree and full of life.” Crazy!

    It’s not until I reach moments where I’m about to completely collapse or fall apart that people notice I have a problem. Then I guess, I just appear erractic. Part of that is my fault though, because I don’t open up until its a little too late. Not a lot of people see the darker side of me ( I don’t have close friends).  So idk, to answer your question, how I manage to appear calm to others…maybe I’m just good at wearing a mask, ignoring myself…but I’ve done it for a long time.

    July 13, 2017 at 10:36 am #157916
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cruzzie:

    What you did in the kitchen, redoing the cookies after a “kitchen meltdown”- is an example of the “calm, collected and together” person that you are. It is not only an appearance. It is who you are in practice, in the kitchen as described here and through many times in your life, it is what kept you going in your studies, before that meltdown. And it is what keeps you going, I believe.

    I don’t see this part of you as a mask, definitely not one you should take off. Instead, I see it as a positive strength of yours that you need to supplement with healing and discovery of more of who you are.

    anita

    July 13, 2017 at 12:40 pm #157952
    PearceHawk
    Participant

    Cruzzie I hope that you can find it in your heart to accept what it is I am going to say here. I am so grateful to you for posting you kitchen meltdown because by doing so you have petitioned your heart and soul to consider my opinion, as well as others, as something of value to you. Your kitchen post has so much strength and courage to it. When you said, “I haven’t done anything special” may be true, to you. I say the very same thing. But in saying that, what you believe to be not special, actually did come from someone special. I also see you taking the time to answer other people’s posts with the hope that your words comfort those in need. To be willing to confront what it is that you don’t like about you and balancing that with the caring loving words that you offer, is something special coming from someone special. Your strength blows me away!

    Do you know, Cruzzie, why the universe is so huge that it’s beyond comprehension? It is because it has to be, in order to hold a heart and soul as huge as yours. I am not saying this just to make you feel better. They are words that come from my heart and soul. Please know this, believe it. I wish you all the love, peace, and happiness that life has to offer, for an eternity longer than a lifetime. It is the very least that you deserve. I find myself now at a loss for words because this is all I have to offer for now.

    Cruzzie release your peace. It is meant to be shared. Live your love. To live your love is to live in love. In bringing these two things together, you can enjoy the ride.

    Pearce

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by PearceHawk.
    • This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by PearceHawk.
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