Hi Shawna…

I hope that as you read this you have embraced the strength necessary to confront this big problem in such a way that you are no longer involved with this person. There are a number of issues that need immediate attention. First, before you forgive him, you must totally forgive yourself for making bad choices. You said, “I truly love him.” There is a difference in loving someone, and being IN love. I love many people. I care for many people. But I am not IN love with them. You said, “he’s not a terrible guy.” I respectfully disagree. I say that because he is absolutely terrible to himself as he is well rooted in his self destructive behavior. How can you justify going down in your life and taking your children with his self destructive behavior? When you said, “I blame myself” you surely must know that it is not your responsibility to correct his self destructive behavior. Based on your description of his behaviors and habits, I do not believe that you are qualified to correct his behavior. His being dishonest with himself, and toward you as well, clearly is not your job to fix. You asked, “but where is the line???” You KNOW where that line is. It is his ongoing, untreated  addiction, his habitual verbal abuse which is setting the stage for physical violence. Drug addiction coupled with the need for alcohol along with the hostile verbal abuse is a perfect storm for something very terrible to happen. Think about that…a drug/alcohol induced tirade leads up to shattered lives, broken families, and death, either to someone or himself, as well as to you. This happens ALL THE TIME EVERY SINGLE DAY! What else happens all the time is the person involved with a person with this personality feels the need to be the one to save” him. His addictions, his verbal abuse, his penchant for lying, is NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY! Your only responsibility is to you and your son and your child to be. PLEASE accept that it is perfectly ok, perfectly right, to walk away from this relationship. Staying with him and accepting his behavior is to nurture his behavior. You take care of you, and your family. PLEASE for your sake, and the sake of your children, leave, walk away. In doing so you will not only resurrect the Phoenix inside yourself and come out stronger, but doing so will be an incredible display of strength, character, and integrity to your children. You said, “I feel like my kids and myself deserve better than.” I think there is a much stronger belief in saying “My kids and I DO deserve better.” Because you do. As long as you stay, take responsibility for his behavior, and desire to “fix” him, you will not have better. Shawna, there are an infinite number of amazing things waiting for you and your children. Go get them 🙂

Pearce