Anita thank you for your patience.

I have a difficult time equating my feelings with “hate” when it comes to men. When I think of hate I think of something or someone you want nothing to do with.

I know that people are not thinking “oh she’s just defending herself” when I say some of the things I say but it truly is how I feel. I feel as if I am defending myself or other women when I give my opinion. I am always on guard but I truly felt one man unfairly criticised a woman and I truly thought that others who have not liked what I said were trying to intimidate me or spoke to me in a way that made me feel as if I was not valuable. I do not go up to random men and be difficult with them although on occasion thanks to my PMDD I can be quite rude to men and women, especially if I feel they have relationships. That’s when my loneliness turns into jealousy and anger.  I do not single men out when I feel like that. When I am rational like I am right now I feel no irritation at the men and women passing me by in the cafe right now. I am jealous of relationships but it doesn’t result in me blaming them for being able to have them when I feel I can not.

I understand what you are saying and I hear many people use the word “hate.” I think I just view the word differently than most but that is the case for a lot of things. I don’t feel I hate men because I feel I wouldn’t want a relationship with one so badly if I did. I found it difficult to answer because I didn’t want to continue being argumentative with you when you are trying to give me advice.

I do agree that I probaly give off a vibe of stay away from me or I can be overly assuming and judgemental about the intentions of some men. I do agree somewhat that I can be prejudiced against men thinking they are all the same to some extent. I especially feel that when my emotions are running high or I feel hurt.

As someone who didn’t feel heard growing up I always live in fear that if I do not say anything then no one will when it comes to things I think are unfair. I am extremely stubborn which is why I admire extremely stubborn women and men as a matter of fact. They don’t sway. I view their stubborness as strength.

I know to have a relationship I am going to have to start to sway or be open minded but it is so hard. I was bullied in a lot of ways when I was a child and I use to cower and hide until one day I turned around and looked directly into someone’s face and said very pointedly, “I’m not afraid of you.” I came to view all men as either ones who wanted to use me, intimidate me, or mock me. They weren’t always like that but they were a good amount of the time so they were my role models for men. My grandfather who I do believe liked me and didn’t want to hurt me could be very old fashioned with his views so even if he was a better role model who would I have found like him when I should have been dating years ago? He was from a completely different generation.

I found myself drawn to men on television who were different from the men I knew growing up. I didn’t have crushes on “bad boys” or men who everyone else was having a crush on. My crushes were on men who I thought were physically attractive although they might not be to a majority of people. I was more interested in the way they acted and interacted with other people. I was fascinated with their emotional intelligence and gentle way they had. I loved their talent and their strength as well. I am not saying that all the men I grew up with didn’t have moments like that, they just had too many issues that overpowered who they could have been.

I also feel I didn’t have a female mentor of any kind growing up. I “felt”my aunts abandoned me to get married and have their own children. My real mother was never really able to overcome her issues to be a strong influence on me and my grandmother who was very practical and had a very difficult childhood was just glad to have a roof over her head.

I know I am rambling but I do agree that I am a big part of the problem as to why I have never been able to form a romantic relationship and also why I have difficulties with friendship and people trying to help me. I have more than a few issues and working all the time for little money is exhausting and I feel I do not have the time or money to get the help I need.

I still think that I can turn it around and find a way out of my loneliness. I just don’t know if I have the tools or the directions on how to make it work. I know I have to move on with this thread though and start actually doing something about my problem. Thank you again for being patient with me.

Lisa

• This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Lisa.