Hey David,

One problem in any relationship is fighting. We all know that. But I think it’s a little more basic than that. Eliana said it perfectly, “it might not be a problem with “messiness” or her “controlling” your diet, but both of your coping skills and conflict resolution skills.” I think people in relationships, when it comes to fighting, they don’y know how to fight. By that I mean that the original irritant, the very thing that is the source of the fight, seems to evolve into something personal, thus ignoring the original complaint. It gets hostile and things are said that aren’t meant to be said, or shouldn’t be said. So when it turns emotional, the issue then becomes just that, emotional. This forces the people involved to deal with the hostility rather than the issue. It’s hard to recognize that when the argument escalates. I used to be messy too. Guys tend to be messy but for a lot of guys it’s not a big deal. But it really is. My being messy was the source of many a “spirited debate” in my past with my past g/f’s. The arguments came with pendulum regularity because I was messy. Just for clarification, my being messy was taking off my shoes and leaving them where I took them off, the floor was a place to put my dirty jeans, I left opened envelopes laying around. So one day I got sick of the fighting. I took a long hard look at myself and realized that my being messy was the catalyst for a new fight. I looked at how it affected my g/f and I did not like that either. It made her not feel good. Looking deeper into my messiness I realized that my being messy was a reflection of my inner self-it was a mess. I didn’t care. I realized how deeply this inner mess affected my relationships. Time for a change. I took a hard look at what was going on inside of me to see all the things inside me that was a mess. Right away I started to clean up my mess. I became a neat freak as the label goes, but not in some OCD way. My g/f at the time had this look of, “what the hell is going on with you?”. That opened a window of opportunity for me to have an honest talk with my g/f. I told her of how I was feeling about myself, inside, how I know it affected her in a negative way, no excuses. I told her I was not in a relationship with her to make her life difficult, but the way I was, a slob, was making her life difficult. What a HUGE difference that change and talk made. As for the diet, I don’t know the extent that “she even controls my diet.”, but a good way to look at it is she cares about you, wants you around for a long time, and doesn’t want to see you hurt yourself by eating in an unhealthy way, assuming that’s what it is. When a fight starts because of you throwing your jeans on the floor, or whatever, ask yourself if that is worth hurting your relationship. It’s a simple fix.

Pearce