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Living together is not that easy

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This topic contains 4 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  PearceHawk 3 weeks, 5 days ago.

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  • #165218

    David
    Participant

    Hi guys,
    My girlfriend and I have moved in together for 6 months and I’m afraid that we’re not easy to live together. I’m a messy guy, I throw my stuff around. She gets annoyed. We fight. I tried to change. And now she even controls my diet.
    Is that a good thing for this relationship? I wonder what she’s gonna do next.

    #165254

    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi David,

    After only six months, it might not be a problem with “messiness” or her “controlling” your diet, but both of your coping skills and conflict resolution skills. Instead of fighting, which is not healthy for any relationship, if you truly love each other, you have to find ways to effectively communicate each other. There has to be a better way than “nagging” someone if they are messy, as that will never work, and her controlling issues will never work either. Because it will just put you on the defensive and a fight will evolve. You both need better communication skills at dealing with conflict and sitting down and calmly talking to one another. Using “I feel” statements. “I feel hurt when or uncated for or disrespected when you tell me I am messy and what I am supposed to eat”. “I feel you are trying to fix or change me instead of living me the way I am”. Then she could say, “I’m sorry, I have made you feel this way, maybe we could work together to find solutions”. If she gets angry, just tell her you won’t fight with her anymore, and will talk when she is ready and leave. I would also suggest couples counseling to help with better coping and more effective ways of communication and dealing with conflict.

    #165266

    Peter
    Participant

    I was just listing to Clarissa Pinkola Estes telling the story of Skeleton woman.  Theater of the imagination

    I won’t go into details but the story reminds us that phycological ‘death’ is a necessary part of relationship.  When we enter relationship, the task is to learn and grow and that takes a lot of ‘dying’

    If I was asked what is the most important quality two people need to have in relationship I would say the ability to learn, and ability not to panic in those times when you don’t like the person you love.

    http://www.apjq.org/en/Lecture%20-%20The%20Skeleton%20Woman%20-%20Final%20version%20-%20Nov%202011.pdf

    #165552

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi David,

    Do you yourself want to be less messy? If there was no GF around, would you actively want to live in a neater environment? If so, I like the Flylady DOT net website! As a natural slob myself, when I did it, my DH was so happy! You shine the sink, do your laundry, and declutter fifteen minutes a day. Of course you can do more with this system, but that’s the least you have to do for a happy GF.

    OK, now, unless you’re going to legit marry the girl, DO NOT live with someone! This is the flipside. You are a bachelor. Bachelors are by definition free spirits and not known for their diet or cleanliness. Also, statistically, you are LESS likely to marry someone you live with.

    Just my Two Cents,

    Inky

    #165566

    PearceHawk
    Participant

    Hey David,

    One problem in any relationship is fighting. We all know that. But I think it’s a little more basic than that. Eliana said it perfectly, “it might not be a problem with “messiness” or her “controlling” your diet, but both of your coping skills and conflict resolution skills.” I think people in relationships, when it comes to fighting, they don’y know how to fight. By that I mean that the original irritant, the very thing that is the source of the fight, seems to evolve into something personal, thus ignoring the original complaint. It gets hostile and things are said that aren’t meant to be said, or shouldn’t be said. So when it turns emotional, the issue then becomes just that, emotional. This forces the people involved to deal with the hostility rather than the issue. It’s hard to recognize that when the argument escalates. I used to be messy too. Guys tend to be messy but for a lot of guys it’s not a big deal. But it really is. My being messy was the source of many a “spirited debate” in my past with my past g/f’s. The arguments came with pendulum regularity because I was messy. Just for clarification, my being messy was taking off my shoes and leaving them where I took them off, the floor was a place to put my dirty jeans, I left opened envelopes laying around. So one day I got sick of the fighting. I took a long hard look at myself and realized that my being messy was the catalyst for a new fight. I looked at how it affected my g/f and I did not like that either. It made her not feel good. Looking deeper into my messiness I realized that my being messy was a reflection of my inner self-it was a mess. I didn’t care. I realized how deeply this inner mess affected my relationships. Time for a change. I took a hard look at what was going on inside of me to see all the things inside me that was a mess. Right away I started to clean up my mess. I became a neat freak as the label goes, but not in some OCD way. My g/f at the time had this look of, “what the hell is going on with you?”. That opened a window of opportunity for me to have an honest talk with my g/f. I told her of how I was feeling about myself, inside, how I know it affected her in a negative way, no excuses. I told her I was not in a relationship with her to make her life difficult, but the way I was, a slob, was making her life difficult. What a HUGE difference that change and talk made. As for the diet, I don’t know the extent that “she even controls my diet.”, but a good way to look at it is she cares about you, wants you around for a long time, and doesn’t want to see you hurt yourself by eating in an unhealthy way, assuming that’s what it is. When a fight starts because of you throwing your jeans on the floor, or whatever, ask yourself if that is worth hurting your relationship. It’s a simple fix.

    Pearce

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