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Let go or stay open?

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  • August 27, 2017 at 9:51 pm #165950
    Ron
    Participant

    To preface, I am 38, divorced (we have an 8 year old son), and making below a living wage for the area. I moved to the town I live in with my then-wife as it is her home town, which is smaller, rural, and conservative.

    Due to changes in religious and political views over the past several years, I have little in common with the town’s overall population philosophically on top of differences in terms of what I tend to enjoy.

    I live in a one person apartment with no intention of moving. I also have mental illness concerns in the form of bipolar type 2 and inattentive ADHD.

    After my ex-wife and I separated, I made some initial attempts at online dating as I had no social circle in the area. This made me depressed because I seemed to have very little in common with the women who were looking and didn’t have the traits they were looking for. Combined with my low income, I began to despair and gave up on the idea of dating altogether.

    That lasted 2 years until I began talking regularly to a young woman at one location where I work and that, combined with a hospital stay that gave me some time to think, shook me out of my malaise and had me very motivated overall to the point where my depression was in remission for about 3 months.

    I didn’t end up dating her, but I did catch the attention of someone else during this time. So I had a steady girlfriend for 2 1/2 years and things went well for the most part. Now that we’ve broken up earlier this year, I’ve found myself in a difficult place to where I’ve been validated on that level and miss being in a relationship, but I still see many varied and legitimate concerns in terms of dating in my situation.

    I have some lingering doubts as to whether anyone would be interested again, but even more as it relates to what would play out if they were. This has all given my a lot of anxiety since I’m in that place where, as another member put it, I’m “unavailable but hopeful”.

    I admit that the caution and vetting I generally use in life can often be tantamount to being defeatist, but it was something I learned early in life from rejection and failure. I even see the beginning of the relationship I had as more of a fluke since my depression wasn’t an issue and I was able to be my best self. As soon as my depression came back full force, it was the beginning of the end.

    I tend to be at my best when I have a goal to work towards, but what do you do if you aren’t even sure what will ultimately happen? What if you focus your resources only to find out it was in vain or reckless?

    Should I still try without a clue as to what my plan even is? Or should I let go for now and focus elsewhere?

    August 28, 2017 at 8:22 am #165982
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Ron,

    I think you should devote your energy (including thoughts) primarily to your son. Relationships are nice, but I would make a dozen active friendships with your most favorite people where you live. There’s gotta be some, right? Cultivate your neighborhood and your “tribe”. Also, nothing is more attractive to a woman than a guy who’s NOT looking for love! If it happens, great, but don’t lament about it.

    Also, you keep bringing up the money situation. Can you get a side hustle? Or get a roommate or stay with friends/family?

    And yes, sometimes what we do in life turns out to be “futile”. But life itself is just a series of experiences. That’s all. Enjoy the ride while we’re here!

    Best,

    Inky

    August 28, 2017 at 11:29 pm #166038
    Ron
    Participant

    Thanks for your reply.

    I do devote much of my thoughts and energy to my son, which is rewarding. At one time that was enough to hold me over for years, but I feel the need for more in my personal life.

    I mentioned money once, but it does fit the larger narrative of a sense of lacking, so I can understand that perception.

    I do think you’re right about not looking for love. That’s pretty much what happened with my ex-girlfriend; I was focused on another woman and seemed happy as I was at the time.

    That’s the catch in that scenario, though. Like so many things in life, you need “both/and” to have the most opportunities and the ability to seize them. In that case I clearly was focused elsewhere and presented as someone who had a sense of peace and well-being.

    That’s the paradox of attraction, and one of the major issues with relating to people when you have severe depression is that you end up with “neither”. You’re not OK in your own skin and you need others for a sense of validation, which turns people right off.

    The other issue is low energy, which might be a problem for making money on the side. I can’t have roommates and my family lives 2 hours away.

    As for the dozen active friendships? Let me put it like this: small town, I don’t fit in well here, depression, natural introvert. Nice dream, but it’s not gonna happen. I’d be happy to have one at this stage.

    Overall I think the issue is my anxiety and depression combined with limited opportunities. If I could stop the endless thoughts and get more balance I would be doing what I realistically can.

    So far though I can’t turn it off up there.

     

    August 29, 2017 at 6:58 am #166054
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ron:

    A summary of what you shared: you are a 38 year old man, divorced, father of an eight year old, living in a small town where your son lives, in a one person rented apartment. You suffer from bipolar type 2, ADHD; anxiety and depression. You are a devoted father to your son, and you are also lonely, wishing to have a girlfriend yet pessimistic because of the limited opportunities of the small, rural and conservative town you live in and your low income.

    The title of your thread is: “let go or stay open”- you mean, letting go vs staying open to the desire and plan to have a new girlfriend in our life, correct?

    If that is the question, I would stay open, if I was you. There are plenty of women- and so, there may be a few in a small town as well, who are willing to date a man with a low income, women who respect a man for reasons other than his income, such as honesty, intelligence, values. And you only need one girlfriend, or one good friend, so maybe there is one of each in your very small, rural, conservative town.

    anita

     

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