Dear Louise:

Your first sentence is the question:  “How do I find that glue?” and your last sentence answers it: “I don’t know how to stop this feeling.” The glue is that feeling and it found you long time ago, stays with you, always there ready to be activated.

And you elaborated about the glue: it is that feeling of “inner badness”. I am wondering: you wrote that your mother was and still is paranoid at times. She accused your father of cheating. Did she accuse you of wrongdoings as well? Maybe she still does?

anita