Today, I lost my only close friend. I was experiencing some difficulties at work earlier this year and texted her for advice, as friends do. I was shocked and hurt as her response to me then was that “I was overthinking it”. I had since found myself harbouring some resentment and doubts about her. Speaking to my therapist some time later about my scepticism about certain types of members of the opposite sex and the ensuring issues I got into — for being overly firm and resistant to certain things they said or did — I mentioned the hurt and confusion from what seemed a negligent, ill-considered response from a friend whom I otherwise considered supportive and level-headed. I have issues, one of which is a long-held tendency to blame myself whenever things go wrong (stemming from wanting my mother’s acceptance and love but receiving rejection instead). Being privy to the story about the “difficulties” at work with a man, my therapist was sympathetic for the hurt and doubts I had had since my friend responded in the way she did. My therapist encouraged me to come clean with my friend as an opportunity to practise dealing with conflicts, since as a result of conflict avoidance I have lost good friends in the past. I did have a talk with her. I checked in with her regularly for understanding, but she seemed to hold on to the interpretation of what I said as accusing her of being unsupportive. I tried to clarify, assuring her that I thought the opposite of her — that she was supportive and someone I considered a good friend. I left her place after finishing what we scheduled to meet for (some help from her with work). I practised self-respect, and I was relieved of the burden of hiding my resentment, and prepared for whatever might ensue (my therapist and I discussed the possibility that the friendship might end after said conversation).

Today, my friend texted me and said we should part ways because “I considered her to be unsupportive”. I probably didn’t manage to convince her — my communication skills and social skills are somewhat lacking, and I am huffing and puffing trying to catch up at 34 years old.

If I were to have a car accident tomorrow, I don’t know who I can call at the scene. I am trying to see the situation in a balanced way — I have gained some self-respect, for speaking up for myself, for doing the opposite of begging, for allowing for the possibility that I was probably not to take the blame when anything goes wrong.

There seems to be a pattern of my friendships since I left university: one good friend with whom I feel supported, and I genuinely love and demonstrate care for. The friendship ends after a couple of years. I develop a new friendship, etc.

I feel sad but also as if I am fighting the sadness of losing this friendship. At the same time, maturity and perspective that I have learnt since childhood keeps my back straight and allows me to at least see it is okay, that I am still okay, in spite of having lost a good friend.

But the pattern that I see troubles me. If I were “wrong” … I’d like to fix it. My therapist saw conflict avoidance as something we can work on as priority. I worked on it; I lost a friend.

I’d appreciate your thoughts and observations, since we can well be blind to something when it’s clear as day to any other person.

Thanks,

Hurting and constantly second-guessing myself