Hey Natalie,

I’m not sure I have any solutions for you, but I can completely relate. I too dealt with being an abusive woman (and still do). I can be demanding, I’ve slapped or struck out at my partner, and while he seems to be “better,” I still get angry and frustrated. I also get very insecure, call him when I think he’s been gone a long time, even though I know he’s not doing anything. I can be pretty horrible, and have thought of taking space as well.

However, we’ve broken up a couple times (I thought at the time it was mostly him – maybe it was both!) We both used to drink a lot together. We now don’t drink as much, and when we do we congratulate ourselves on not fighting. I often wonder if we should separate momentarily so I can mend myself. I am set off by his actions. But what else can we do, if we love them? Stepping away, for me, feels heartbreaking even though there are so many reasons for me to do so.

I’m trying to find that balance between being okay with whatever happens, and making the most out of what is happening. For example, we have a recurrent fight about his mom living with us. There isn’t really a problem with it – she isn’t hitting me in the face every day. It’s just annoying. But I don’t have any control over the situation and he reminds me of that. Point is, it’s good practice, and a good lesson for a lot of things. What if I made this all go away – would that mean my life would be easy for the rest of time? I’d never deal with annoying situations again? No. My anger, irritation, frustration, negative patterns, thoughts, etc. would still be around no matter who is around me. I admit I get really pissed, but I’ve started to practice slowing that down, observing it, questioning it. Why do I continue getting upset about the same situations? What am I being triggered by?

I think starting off with a few deep breaths and realizing there’s something much bigger and deeper going on everytime something you don’t like happens (whether with your partner or not) you want to work through those things and figure them out eventually. Maybe your mind doesn’t say that, but your higher mind and true essence, your truth, will usually push you in the same directions every time. It’s up to you if you want to stay with your partner and stop blaming him for what’s coming up for you, or leave him so he’s not in the picture to blame at all. In my opinion, a lot of it is how willing you are to take responsibility and admit you’re not always right. If you love each other and can communicate this to each other in a healthy way, it’s not bad to stay together. Either way, I think, is fine.