Dear anita,

Thank you for your advice. The second day went on much better, especially when a couple of friends told me regardless of what’s been going around, they are going to have my back no matter what.

I was surprised when the ex-narcissistic friend acted friendly towards me at the end of the first day. I tried to show that although there were no hard feelings, I was no longer interested in being in her circle of friends.

There remains one problem though. Remember the girl that I said I did not feel comfortable around from day one, but somehow forced myself to stay in a friendship with her? The one who was turned against me by the other friend? It’s just that I feel extremely uncomfortable around her. I remember back in the days I was always the first one to say hi, always the first one to ask her how she was doing. I can no longer bring myself to do that. As a result, we no longer talk, and I find this to be extremely awkward since I have never had the experience of “ignoring”  a previous friend. I know that she doesn’t care that much. She is happy as ever, and seems to be enjoying spending time with her new social circle. It’s somehow amusing to see that people who used to brutally complain and gossip about one another in my presence have now formed their own circle. I don’t believe such a friendship has got much depth to it, and therefore I’m glad that I’m no longer a part of it.

Still, thinking about that doesn’t help me with the sense of awkwardness. A part of me is glad that I’m finally free from her, that I no longer have to put up with the jokes that she made at my expense, or hear her criticising and making fun of my goals, dreams and interests. Another part of me, however, blames me for caring too much, especially when it is obvious that she doesn’t. I know that, if the situation were reversed, if I was being told that someone has been talking behind my back, the first thing I would do was to question the motive of the person who had brought me this piece of news. Are they trying to make themselves look good by destroying sb else’s reputation? Is it that they get a thrill out of turning people against each other? In either case, the intention behind such an act is highly questionable. The second thing I would do is to evaluate my own behavior. Had I done sth that caused a friend of mine to be upset? If so, I would have reached out to the friend, trying to solve the matter as calmly as possible as I valued their friendship above any sort of resentment or conflict.

I know I can’t blame her for doing none of this….I can’t force people to “care” about sth as much as I do. However, I find it easy to blame myself for taking her and her friendship too seriously, and as I said, I feel a sense of great discomfort around her. The thing is, I’ve decided not to put other people’s needs and feelings above my own. However, now that I no longer do it, I’m still stressed out. It appears to be lose-lose situation.

Mary