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I can't get over something I did

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  • October 13, 2017 at 12:05 pm #173065
    Ciara
    Participant

    Hi, I am currently 18 years old. And I think I did something horrific when I was like 12 or 13 years old. When I mean think, it’s because it’s something I questioned that actually happened. Since a lot of the details are pretty fuzzy.

    Basically all I remember is like kissing like a close relative of mine who was a year younger than me.

    Looking back on what I did, it is disgusting and unjustifiable. I don’t even comprehend why I did it considering I’m not like that type of person. Maybe because I barely discovered porn? I don’t know. I’m not attracted to anyone of my family whatsoever and I find incest disgusting. Nor do I have pedophilic thoughts, I am only attracted to people my age and older.

    I swear on my life that will never ever happen again to anyone, I can honestly promise that. Though the thoughts of the past still haunt me time to time and more recently it’s been happening. And I have these sudden outbursts of guilt. I sometimes just feel like hurting myself to relieve this or maybe to make up for what I did. I don’t think this person remembers what I did nor does anyone else know.

    Though, I just want to know if there’s any shot of redeeming myself for what I did. Or does this ruin my shot of finding love and happiness and also trying to do good in the world.

    Also, is what happened something I should confess?

     

     

    October 14, 2017 at 11:43 am #173141
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ciara:

    You kissed a relative, one year younger than yourself, when you were 12 or 13. You are 18 now and it still bothers you that you did.

    First, as to your question about should you confess: you wrote that the relative probably doesn’t remember. If it was just a kiss, and there was no violence involved, no threats or such, then he or she probably does not remember. And so, better not confess.

    At the time you discovered porn, you wrote. Watching porn then was not a good idea. Neither is it now, I believe. Are you still watching porn?

    anita

    October 14, 2017 at 7:03 pm #173181
    Ciara
    Participant

    First off, I really apologize if what I wrote was hard to read, I guess it didn’t post correctly. But yes that’s what happened. And no I stopped watching porn. I feel kinda empty after watching that kind of stuff and just feel bad all together.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Ciara.
    October 15, 2017 at 6:31 am #173195
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ciara:

    Because you watched porn at the time, when you were 12 or 13, those images were strong in your mind when you kissed that family relative, one year younger than you. You had sexual thoughts on your mind. It is those thoughts, those porn images that are the reason for your six or so years of repeating distress and regret over that kiss.

    Sex is a very sensitive element in the human psyche/ brain. So much shame and curiosity is attached to it, that a kiss, one non-violent kiss can extend to years of shame. Without the shame and without the porn, the industry of porn, that kiss would be something you wouldn’t remember.

    Are there other things you regret, other things (not sexual) you consider proof of you being unacceptable and undeserving of  “finding love and happiness and also trying to do good in the world”?

    anita

     

     

    October 15, 2017 at 3:53 pm #173321
    Ciara
    Participant

    Besides that, there are not much regrets I have. I mean I used to being kind of judgmental, but I’m more understanding and I don’t jump to conclusions as before. That’s all I can really think of.

    October 16, 2017 at 5:23 am #173373
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ciara:

    What do you think about my last post to you, the part about shame and curiosity that is attached to the topic of sex? How do you feel about sex currently?

    And if you would  like to elaborate on having been judgmental, please do.

    anita

    October 16, 2017 at 12:42 pm #173447
    Ciara
    Participant

    I’d say your post is pretty accurate, especially in my case. I grew up with parents who were kind of strict, both of them who are religious. So their views were and still are traditional. They disagree with homosexuality and other things that aren’t of their definition of normal.

    Although my mom taught me some aspects of sex, she of course elaborated how it’s something to be done during marriage. Not before. With that, there was this stigma attached to it. And I guess that’s why I grew up feeling awkward when around guys. Or when people would talk about sex, I wouldn’t know what to say. That still applies me to now though, because I still for some reason feel so flustered around guys. And I still feel weird talking about sex, in person.

    Referring back to me being judgmental, I mean what parents said about; sex, homosexuality, etc, I guess rubbed off on me. Because I thought people who would sleep around were doing something wrong, and I did think people who were gay, were probably going through a phase. That was when I was younger. Although my thinking has changed a lot when it comes to homosexuality, and other topics, I still don’t feel completely comfortable with sex.

    October 17, 2017 at 8:16 am #173535
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ciara:

    The shame and discomfort about sex is widespread. Lots and lots of people share such discomfort, probably way more people than not. And it is a topic people focus on. It is tough to change the discomfort that is settled over the issue from such an early age. Talking about religion, even the bible has a focus on sex, shame established early in human history.

    It is this long, long history of shame regarding sex that is the reason you “can’t get over something (you) did”, that kiss: there is shame attached to sex before marriage, to incest, and there you did it, a kiss with sexual thoughts attached to it, sexual images from the porn movies, and a relative.

    I do hope you get over that kiss by understanding the context- the culture of shame regarding sex and the industry of porn, the two extremes, maybe one feeding the other, one promoting the other.

    This topic, sex-shame-porn, is a huge topic, huge industry. I wish it wasn’t so.

    Continue to evaluate and determine your own personal values regarding the topic. Share here, if you’d like.

    anita

    October 17, 2017 at 12:01 pm #173587
    Peter
    Participant

    Memory is a trickster. As you mentioned what you remember is hazy. Yet you are judging your past from the perspective on what you have learned years latter. Your 12-year-old self didn’t know what you know now so judging her by what you know now is unskillful. We all feel regret for some past action or other, but all the regret in the world isn’t going to change the past. The best we can do is that when we learn better we do better.

    Its clear you have learned something about yourself from the experience and realise that such actions are not who you are or want to be… so I don’t see the point on remaining fixated on the memory.

    November 23, 2017 at 11:15 pm #179285
    August
    Participant

    I think you have completely magnified what happened out of all perspective and made it into something shameful in your mind. But in fact you were basically just an innocent child on the threshold of puberty with hormones racing and curiosity etc. You did not know any different or better and what happened may not have been ideal or socially acceptable and considered taboo in our culture but it really is nothing to worry about. The other person was only 1 year younger so for starters it is not pedophilia.  When we are young our brain is still forming. It doesn’t fully form until the age of 25. We react without thinking at that age. I can remember many things I did that as an adult I would never do. The main thing is that you’ve realised that it was an innocent mistake and now you can let it go and move on. Many children when growing up do things that would be considered completely unacceptable if they were adults. It’s perfectly normal. 13-14 is still childhood , well the end of.

    • This reply was modified 7 years ago by August.
    November 28, 2017 at 7:34 pm #179819
    Ciara
    Participant

    Thank you so much for the replies and advice. It’s something that has helped me to move on from this incident, something I greatly appreciate.

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