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Advice Needed Please- Long Distance Pain

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  • This topic has 8 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 7 years ago by Anonymous.
Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)
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  • November 9, 2017 at 8:21 am #177137
    Caseyxoxo
    Participant

    Hi Everyone,

    Thanks for reading this in advance. I need someone to vent this too and hopefully get an outsiders opinion.. I met a really great guy back in June who unfortunately works away (locked down in a camp) for 2 months at a time, then comes back for 1 month and so on. We hit it off very well and contact was good for the first 2 months he was away with work. We even ended up booking a holiday for the next time we would see each other in September. We went on the holiday and it was good, but then we only had two weeks left to see each other. We did have a little bump in the road as it became my expectations of how often I would see him over the next two weeks didn’t match his.  I tried to communicate this and he didn’t respond very well, basically he ignored me, until I suggested he come over. During a face to face discussion he said he didn’t expect to rush into a relationship again so soon (not be single very long) but lets make the remaining time as good as possible. I am used to men disappointing me and not following through so I was pleased that he did make a lot of effort and we had a really great last few weeks.

    He then went back to work October- December…. During the majority of this time back at work the contact has been strained and not as good as before. He ended up booking  trip during his next 4 weeks off, which reduces any time of seeing me to less…. I raised this point, and I was about 80%  ok with his answers despite being a little hurt. I like to think I am a fairly open minded person and understanding that of course he would want to do things on his own, and see friends/family during his limited time home. We moved past that, but then I think that at the back of my mind, and the fact that he hadn’t confirmed any specific weekends with me to keep free etc, and the reduction in contact one morning a few weeks ago I just snapped and messaged about how I felt like I was the only one trying and I was confused about where I stand…. to not clear response.

    This in and out strained contact with me has continued over the last few weeks with me trying to discuss a few things, this hasn’t gone down well and he barely replies. He certainly doesn’t clearly address my concerns, but doesn’t end it either when I give him plenty of pushing to. He has said things such as “I hate these types of conversations but you are persistent in having them”, and “I am sorry I just disconnect from home life whilst I am away” and so on.

    I am quite upset as I do like him a lot and when we are together have a great time. I am confused about why contact dropped during these last two months, and it feels like his patience with me and my need for clarity is annoying him and that doesnt feel good to me. I ask a few serious questions, he doesnt reply or not clearly enough, and then I feel worse and around it goes. I seem to have a problem with the grey areas in life, as consider myself quite assertive. I find it hard when someone cant be as clear with about situations or their feelings as I can be. I am struggling between whether I need to open my eyes to this situation or whether I am over reacting and not being as considerate as I could be.

    I dont know how to or if it is possible to get back to the light hearted nature it was and should be, I dont know how it got here. I really like him.  I feel like I am hitting a brick wall where contact is concerned. I think I would of been alright with the distance if he was clear on what the reality is and made me feel secure.

    I hope that makes sense, it would just be good to hear someone else point of view on this, but please be kind my heart and mind are tender right now!

    Thank you

    November 9, 2017 at 10:16 am #177219
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Caseyxoxo:

    You wrote: “I am confused about why contact dropped during these last two months”-

    isn’t the reason what he told you earlier, that “he didn’t expect to rush into a relationship”?

    anita

    November 9, 2017 at 3:02 pm #177347
    Caseyxoxo
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Perhaps, but that was whilst he was here and before we then spent everyday together before he went back to work. So a little confusing. In my mind it can’t be a relationship until we had spent a more time together, and contact is surely needed during two months to make it even possible for a chance of something to grow.

     

    Casey

    November 10, 2017 at 2:22 am #177429
    Poppyxo
    Participant

    Hi Caseyxoxo,

    I’d like to admit that after your second paragraph I stopped reading.

    You seem to be heavily chasing this guy, why do you think that is? Do you agree with my opinion?
    Is there any reason why you can’t just sit back, get on with your own life, your own friends, your own family & catch up with him if & when he calls? You seem to be basing your entire life around this guy, who has quite clearly stated he isn’t ready for a relationship yet.

    Could you wait & see if he calls? If he calls, great, plan something go do something together, if he doesn’t then you know where you stand with him.
    You said “I am used to men disappointing me and not following through …” Do you think that maybe you put a little too much time & effort into men & not get anything back?

    Let me know what you think 🙂

    • This reply was modified 7 years ago by Poppyxo.
    November 10, 2017 at 2:40 am #177433
    Caseyxoxo
    Participant

    Hi Poppy,

    I guess so, especially the last few weeks as I have felt the pull away, which of course makes him pull away more. I think because its because he came on quite strong, and I didn’t need to feel panicked, insecure or have any concerns on where I stood. My biggest frustration is I expect the same courtesy or him as I would do for him, for example I have asked where I stand and does he want to call this a day? And his responses arent clear or barely replies. I would feel a lot better if he just gave me an honest answer even if that isn’t what I want to hear.

    Maybe I am not good with the grey areas/control issues. Yes I do put a lot of effort in, I think thats fair to say.

    Casey

     

    November 10, 2017 at 3:16 am #177435
    Poppyxo
    Participant

    Hi Casey,

    The thing with doing what you’re doing, (which I will add, is something I used to do so I’m saying this out of experience), is that you become the overfunctioner and he becomes the underfunctioner. You do all the work in the ‘relationship’ whilst he doesn’t have too. What you value as important he may not,  so you say “My biggest frustration is I expect the same courtesy or him as I would do for him” what you see as important to you, won’t always match somebody elses expectations, & I don’t think he holds those same expectations. His responses aren’t clear because he would like to keep that tie with you as it is convenient for him when he has a gap to fill, but doesn’t want to hurt your feelings in bluntly saying no – I say this through experience, but there is a possibility I may be wrong, but this has happened to me alot & I ended up questioning myself or the situation, something you’ve found yourself doing.

    The truth is, if he truly wants to be with you he would be, if he truly wanted to communicate regularly then he would. He has said he doesn’t want a relationship & although that doesn’t say “I don’t want a relationship I don’t wish to continue with you” I think you should really weigh what he means .. What do you want this to progress to then as a relationship isn’t on his cards?Do you just want friends with benefits?

    • This reply was modified 7 years ago by Poppyxo.
    November 10, 2017 at 6:16 am #177475
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Casey:

    You wrote that he told you that “he didn’t expect to rush into a relationship”, but then “we then spent everyday together before he went back to work. So a little confusing”- spending everyday together following his statement does not negate the statement.

    You mentioned your need for clarity. I think you have an unrealistic expectation in regard to human behavior, specifically, in this case, a man’s behavior. The consistency you expect is unrealistic. He is a human in flux, changing. He does not possess a solid idea regarding where you stand, he doesn’t have that information (” I have asked where I stand and does he want to call this a day? And his responses arent clear or barely replies”).

    You wrote in your original post: “I am used to men disappointing me and not following through” – I think that at this point, “not following through” has taken on this unrealistic quality I mentioned. People cannot and will not be as consistent as you would  like them to be, being humans, unlike machines that are perfectly consistent (until they malfunction).

    The clarity you expect is of this or that quality when often it is this and that.

    anita

    November 10, 2017 at 10:33 am #177581
    Caseyxoxo
    Participant

    Hi,

    Poppy- Thanks for your response, I found it very useful. I agree that there is some truth in wanting to keep that tie as and when it is convenient for him. I read all of those famous quotes such as “never allow someone to treat you as an option” etc and I think thats where my frustration creeps in as who wants to be treated like that. I am annoyed at myself for taking control and being the overfunctioner. I dont want to be involved in something that has no future. I find myself trying to second guess the situation and whether it is worth waiting around or “taking it slow” and not rushing into anything is worth it, would it lead where I want it to? Given his work situation I can see that being some time off. And now I am not sure there is even any coming back from this, from a male perspective I am sure this is the last thing they “need”.

     

    Anita- Not following through refers to in the past things starting off strong and then somewhere along the lines changing minds etc. Which of course happens, but nonetheless sad. I am unclear on what you have said means for my expectations and what I find acceptable, is there not a line in terms of being understanding that clarity, expectations and people are fluid and a line of what I should personally accept as a way of being treated or interacted with?

    November 10, 2017 at 10:53 am #177591
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Casey:

    Of course it is your right to determine what behaviors to accept and what to reject, what relationship to engage in and what to withdraw from. My point, restated is this: reads to me that when you demanded clarity from him, he didn’t have it to give you. He can’t tell you where you stand with him if it is not clear to him.

    So when you pressure him to be clear with you, that hurts the relationship. Again, you have the right to look for a man who clearly states what he wants, for example, a man may tell you: I am looking for a partner in life, I want to get married in the next year. But if you are involved with a man who doesn’t have this clarity, then pressuring him is ineffective.

    Does that make sense to you?

    anita

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