Hello,

New to the forums here. I wanted to write this because I feel I have no where else to turn to..

I just recently got out of a 3 year relationship with my best friend. Who I believe to be my soulmate. We’ve been friends for over a decade and know so much about one another.. We decided to start dating 3 years ago because we knew we were right for one another and always had deep feelings for one another, even while dating other people. It’s always been one of those friendships where you just know that you’re destined to be..

Our relationship started off really well, with an incredible friendship as our foundation, we just had this unconditional love that I cannot begin to explain. It was magical to be with her.

I’ve always been a self-destructive, act first and ask for forgiveness later type of person and it’s usually always resulted from my abusive relationship with alcohol. I’ve ruined a number or relationships over the years with this behaviour and have always fallen into a deep depression afterwards.. always wanting to change, but always ending up back in the same place. She’s always known this and I guess she felt that she could help fix me..

But I let this destroy the next few years of our lives together..

I moved into a house with 2 of my best friends during the first year of her and I dating due to having problems with my family at home. During this year, I made the impulsive decision to break up with her because at the time for whatever reason, I wanted to be free.. even though deep down I know I didn’t. It’s hard to explain.. I was giving in to the temptation of single living and the excitement I thought it would hold.. I wasn’t thinking clearly. I was being selfish.

I ended up sleeping with another girl when I was drunk the day after we broke up. I felt completely beside myself.. totally regretful of my actions and ended up telling her about it. It was such a difficult time for us and being the strong, incredible woman she is, she forgave me for it and eventually got back together.

As years went on, I put our relationship through more and more difficult times. Drunk texting other girls, saying stupid things., yelling, screaming, even being abusive at times.. Always feeling devastated once I sobered up and always begged her to take me back and she did.. It killed me to know I was putting my best friend through this but I couldn’t stop. I was caught in this shameful cycle..

I knew my behaviour was destroying her.. I knew how much I had hurt her and continued to and yet it kept happening. The guilt would get so bad I’d end up going back to drinking and making more mistakes.. setting us further back. I’ve been trapped in this cycle for too long and it’s destroying her and causing my own heart to break for my life and everyone who’s always counted on me.

I love this girl. I love everything about her. She’s been my rock for 10 years and I honestly can’t see my life without her in it. She’s compassionate, caring, so sweet, so hilarious and INCREDIBLY understanding and supportive.. So I wonder why I keep letting this happen when I know it’s completely against my moral judgement when I’m sober.. and so does she.

We broke up about a month ago after trying to keep it together but going no where.. and I tried everything to stay on the straight and narrow and better myself while we’ve been apart. We’ve been texting here and there checking in as we always have.. but after a couple weeks I went right over the deep end and went back to drinking. Started trying to find any sort of relief through talking to other people.. I ended up sleeping with someone this past weekend again while I was blackout drunk.. (Surprise)

The next day, I was in complete ruin and have been ever since. The guilt has now turned to shame and I can’t even stand my reflection in the mirror. I started doing mental inventory of everything I had ever done to hurt her.. and I can’t figure out how I let it get so bad.. I’ve been crying non stop, unable to work, unable to sleep and unable to find the answers to my behaviour. We ended up talking the next day and she asked me about my night.. as she instantly knew what I had gotten myself into.. again.

My heart has always belonged to her and I believe her to be my soulmate. I really mean that. But for some reason that I truly can’t explain.. I always end up screwing it up with my vices and self-destructive ways. I can’t stop it. It’s at the point where I can’t forgive myself. I’ve become ashamed of who I am. I can’t stop replaying every bad event in my head and it makes my heart literally ache. I feel as if I’ve broken my own heart knowing that I’ve broken hers over and over.. It’s absolute madness.

For some reason I can’t even comprehend at this point, there’s still an ounce of her holding on for me. She’s so upset, so mad at me, so resentful of me, but she still loves me.. As she’s told me..

And this time, not only do I want get better, but I know that I have to. I’ve been this way for going on 10 years and I know it’s going to kill me and push everyone away.. I want to break free from my old ways and be the person I know I can be. Throughout this entire nightmare.. my love for her has never faded away.. even though my actions have said otherwise. I’ve finally discovered how much I actually love her and how much she means to me.. Even though I know my behaviour has repetitively defied that.

We’ve had many incredible times too.. It hasn’t all been bad. We always talked about our future together.. how things would end up for us. Buying a house, buying a dog and living happily ever after.. But I’ve destroyed all of that now.

I’m seeking therapy.. and she’s checking in with me here and there although it’s been difficult for us to talk about. I cry every time we speak over the phone almost begging for her to help me..

Has anybody been through a similar situation? How do I break free from this torment and live a loving, capable and happy life? And is my relationship capable of saving? Have people been able to make it through these hardships with each other and end up happy together?

Please help me.. I can provide more information if need be..

I’m completely lost.