I messed up, big time, in my relationship, and it’s partly because I keep doing the same mistakes. I am not putting the blame only on myself, but my boyfriend made a lot of mistakes and he actually learned from them and tried to change as best he could. We’ve been together for four years.

I keep making the same mistakes, and in the last couple of months, we broke up every time I messed up, which was four times or so, and I’ve realized where I’ve been mistaken and where I could have done things differently. Then we got back together after a couple of days, and after a week or so I keep making the same mistakes. It’s really a blow to my self esteem, really, because I hear a lot of stories, about people realizing where they made a mistake and then changing something about it and then that’s that. Why do I keep making the same mistakes even though I realize where I’m wrong?

For example today, I got really sad that I am fat – I am 20 kilograms overweight. Instead of being proactive about it, or accepting it, I decided to be sad that my boyfriend doesn’t find me as attractive anymore and be passive aggressive with him and be sad and angry and mean to him.

That’s the mistake I keep repeating, when I don’t like something about myself, or just when things don’t go as I planned them, I get extremely sad – I have a black/white thinking which I try to deal with – then I am passive aggressive with him. It’s as if, if there is something I don’t like about me, I play the victim and I blame him for it.

I always have this idea of how he should behave, and if he doesn’t behave like it, I think he doesn’t care about me or that he doesn’t love me.

I am sure it’s exhausting for him. And I don’t blame him for not wanting to be with me anymore.

I tried to change, but these things come up once a week or so. In other times they came up daily, so for me it’s a big improvement, but maybe not for him, because I didn’t tell him these things every day anyway.

Why do I keep putting my hand in the fire if I know it will get burned?

Scenario is like: I get upset that he didn’t ask me to dance with me when we were in the club. He tries to cheer me up, ask me go dance. I tell him that I don’t want anymore, I wanted him to ask me before I pointed out that to him. he gets REALLY upset after an hour of fighting, tells me he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore, hangs up the phone. I suddenly realize the reason he didn’t ask me doesn’t matter, that he actually wanted to go dance with me, only not that much so to ask me to do it (we were out with friends we didn’t see in a while). Three things like this happen, he doesn’t want to be with me anymore, I promise I’ll change and that I’ve realized where I’ve been wrong (I really do), but one week later, I’m sad that he didn’t do some other thing.

I’d promise him now that it won’t happen again but I’m really not sure that it won’t happen again.

I know that I have low self esteem. I can work with that. I know that I worry about what other people think. I know that I play the victim sometimes. I know that he doesn’t have to do things exactly as I imagined them in my head. I know that he wants to be with me. I know that I judge him too harshly and that I am negative. And I know I’ve just described a nightmare of a woman to be with, lol.

But I do try to stop making the mistake of turning into a self righteous b**** which feels compelled and entitled to be sad, angry, passive aggressive because he didn’t call all morning, just to hide my feelings of inadequacy caused by the fact that I am fat.

Okay, so bottom line is: I can’t stand the feeling of making a mistake, and I blame him for my feelings when I make a mistake (forgetting to take a shower before going over to his place, for example; not understanding a joke), then I am passive aggressive with him, the reason I’m upset is somewhere in the back of my head, but I come up with irrational reasons why I’m upset to make him accountable – and blame him for my feelings.

And I know I do that. I try not to do it. But it’s like a veil which blurs my judgement when a situation like this come up.

How come I make the mistake, if I know it’s a mistake? When I do it – again!! – I really feel entitled and like the completely irrational judgement I just made it’s right – and even if I realize I’m wrong, I don’t back off – because I would admit not only that I made a mistake, but that I made a mistake of blaming my boyfriend for my feelings deriving from the mistake.

Am I going insane??

Now he broke up with me. Other times I would be very optimistic that I can change – if I realize where I’ve been wrong. But now I have seen that even though I know where I am wrong, it’s not enough to change. So I really wouldn’t want to tell him that I will change, until I figure out where the problem lies and i can live up to my words.

Why is this happening – me not changing, even though I know the problem is in the way I handle mistakes, self esteem, judging other people, having high expectations and judging his actions – he doesn’t do that, he doesn’t care about me (even though I don’t think usually “he did that, so he cares about me”).

Is it even possible to change? Would it help if the feelings I feel when making a mistake would change – by changing my thoughts about making a mistake and what does it mean?

If someone would give me any piece of advice, even some stories about repeating the same mistake even though you know which is that mistake – I would very much appreciate it. Thank you