Dear Uncertainty81:

My tips: evaluate the relationship rationally. If your boyfriend behaves toward you with empathy and respect, if he is assertive with you, not passive or aggressive, and encourages you to be assertive as well, if it is a good relationship (although not perfect, as it can’t be perfect) and you often enough feel love for him, but you are doubting it repeatedly, for a long time, then quality psychotherapy may be the answer.

In psychotherapy, anxiety, the core issue in ROCD (and in so many, many conditions and symptoms), will need to be attended to, early experiences and relationships  (with your parents, mostly) will need to be explored.

A break or separation may be necessary if your distress is too great and/or if your doubting causes him distress and is harming him.

anita

Hi Uncertainty81,

I will go by my own experience. I just got so tired of the anxiety, fear and doubt. I have only lived with two men. My first love when I was only 21. And a man when I was 35. At that time, my friends were warning me it was wrong, because they said most people who “live together” before marriage, their marriages dissolve, more than a couple who waits to move in together after marriage.

They saw it as too easy when living together to become “roommates” more than boyfriend, girlfriend and that is where the fighting and bucking about small things start. Well, with my first love, of course, we were in love, very, very young, had no idea what we were doing, it was both of our first relationship. He proposed to me 6 months after we started dating. I was on cloud 9. My father was furious. I wouldn’t listen to anyone, yet I had fears, doubts, but I let “being in love” take over and I jumped right in. So, that’s what I say..just jump right in. Don’t overanalyze it, because it will get you nowhere. You have been together two years. So just move in together, what is the worst that can happen? If it doesn’t work out, you can separate and go your own ways, but if it does work out, it’s a win-win situation, and you will find that it is not as bad as you think.

With the 2nd man..again..only with him 6 months, very much “in love” until I loved in. It (again) was too soon, the fighting and bickering started, chaos, and like my first love the relationship did not work out as we rushed things. In your case, it is different. Two years is plenty of time, so why not? Give it a try. Lay your fears to rest. Please post with your thoughts.

Hi Uncertainty81,

Can you elaborate a little more when you say you expect too much in a relationship? What is it that you are feeling you need? Can you share on that? You say she is supportive, kind and caring and is very well liked by others. What do you feel is lacking..and what needs is she not fulfilling? Are you comparing her to other relationships you feel are better, such as parents relationship when you had growing up, or your friends relationships?

Also, can you tell me more about the “aggressive attack” is this a panic or anxiety attack? Is it because you feel things are going so well, you don’t deserve happiness or to feel good?