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Beating Myself up Again

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  • December 31, 2017 at 8:01 am #184479
    Maria Mango
    Participant

    Hi Everyone,

    It’s been a wild year here. I changed jobs and got into a career I’m super passionate about (helping others, yay!), started a business, and most importantly to me, fell in love with someone.

    That someone recently had to go overseas for about 6-7 months. I’ve written on here before about my first long distance relationship, which I ended (amicably) because we honestly weren’t that interested in each other. This one is different. I’m more than happy to make this work and so is he, which is very exciting! We really love each other, communicate well, and plan to live together on his return.

    I’m looking for support and guidance and an open forum to talk myself through this. I’ve always struggled with not feeling like I’m good enough and that insecurity is really strong right now, magnified by the distance. I’m pretty consumed with trying to be the perfect long distance partner and am really hard on myself if I feel I’ve made a mistake. My greatest fear is being controlling and needy in a relationship and I’m hyper vigilant when I’m acting that way even a little. As you can imagine, it’s not fun. For anyone. It’s a frustrating Catch 22, trying hard to be perfect, which sets me up for failure then I berate myself which makes things worse.

    Much to his credit since he’s a pretty stand up guy, boyfriend is patient with me on this, thank goodness. I do the same when he is feeling insecure. We try to talk things through as best as we can but every once in a while we disagree and get into an argument. But that’s pretty rare. So it’s really not an issue in our relationship so much as I’d like to stop beating myself up and thinking I’m a crappy girlfriend when things inevitably get difficult (cause they will, it’s not all going to be sunshine and roses) in our long distance relationship.

    Thanks for listening and Happy New Year 🙂

    Much love,

    Maria

    December 31, 2017 at 8:22 am #184481
    Malaya
    Participant

    I am no expert, but i am sure you are a lovely and caring person. From what i have read, (this is the only way i can figure out the type of person you are implying to be) so far you are good enough for anyone, no one is not good enough. Humans think something what they are doing is “stupid” or “bad” which gives us a sense of insecurity. In fact, its all in your head, this sense of you are doing everything wrong is all in your head, no one would think you are not worth him, and i am pretty sure he doesn’t feel the same way either. This is linked to appearance, humans can sometimes believe that their appearance should be spot on, which doesn’t allow them to fully live, such as me. I think everyone is watching me, secretly talking about my attire or body shape, which makes me very insecure. But again its in my head, no body cares what i’m doing, they are probably more worried if they left the stove on, ya know. I know this is irrelevant to what you are saying and asking for, but its all the same. Never think you are a crappy girlfriend, unless your physically hurting him that is., bc i am sure you are a lovely woman, which is why he loves you and stays by your side. Though, if you think you are a “crappy” gf then do something about it, get on your feet, tell him how you feel, be open with him, ask him what he wants, not only will this hopefully help you gain some more confidence in yourself, but it will improve your relationship. I am sorry if this didn’t help, or if i blabbered on too much, just please don’t treat yourself like you’re not worth it, bc girl you are, you are totally worth it!

    December 31, 2017 at 8:46 am #184487
    Maria Mango
    Participant

    Hi Malaya,

    Thank you for your kind words, every type of advice is welcome and appreciated :). You’ve given good perspective here. As weirdly hard as it is for me to admit, I do agree that we’re together because both of us are kind, patient, and just have fun in general. I’m just trying really hard to avoid the not fun parts, but I guess that’s really inevitable in any relationship and I should stop fighting it and focus on being kinder to myself in the New Year. Thanks again, you are a very kind person to have answered so quickly and thoughtfully 🙂

    December 31, 2017 at 8:56 am #184489
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Maria:

    Welcome back and Happy New Year to you.

    When you notice a difficulty in the relationship, “when things inevitably get difficult”, pay attention to how you feel: is your heart beating faster, are you feeling uneasy… notice if you are feeling anxious and how it feels. Then calm yourself best you can. If you are in the midst of phone/ other communication with him and you need to, take time out and get back to him later.

    Calm yourself, insert some realistic, calming thoughts where the same old anxiety producing thoughts are taking place, and then talk to him.

    Example of realistic thoughts: I am not perfect and neither is he. I can’t perform perfectly and neither can he. He loves me and is willing to help me. I love him and I want to help him. Etc.

    If it works for you to keep this thread going, to help you through these six or seven months, please do.

    anita

     

    December 31, 2017 at 10:33 am #184501
    Maria Mango
    Participant

    Thank you Anita! I’m working on not being so reactive in the moment when I feel hurt, angry, lonely or tired-stepping away for a moment is a great strategy for me to practice. Thank you for suggesting it! I’ll probably post on this thread a few more times. Good to know there are kind people here to help :). Have a Happy New Year!!!

    December 31, 2017 at 10:58 am #184505
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome, Maria, and thank you. Looking forward to reading from you anytime.

    anita

    January 1, 2018 at 6:38 am #184561
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Maria Mango,

    The problem with long distance relationships is that they’re… long distance! So you put all (ALL!) your energy and attention to texts and video chats. Which only actively engage you for a short while. When you actually see him in the flesh, you will spend (effortlessly) more time together hanging out and doing nothing than you even did communicating long distance.

    This reminds me of how I was the greatest parent, but only when I was pregnant LOL! I read all the books and planned and prepared… and the baby wasn’t even here yet. You’re kind of doing the same thing. Putting all your energy and worry into a relationship that is not physically tangible now.

    Nothing’s actually happening or going wrong, so you’re making up little stories of how you’re messing it all up from a thousand miles away.

    Of course, you could be the perfect girlfriend and he could still break up with you because of the long distance.

    I say you’re doing great! Don’t sweat it.

    Blessings,

    Inky

    P.S. Don’t move in together. From my observations THAT will be the thing to kill a relationship!

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