Hi Lucas,

I have the same internal voice. I really love the episode of Bojack Horseman S04E06 – this might get my comment moderated out, unsure about the policy on this, but whatever: it’s called Stupid Piece of Sh*t. It’s the first/only time I’ve seen that voice so accurately portrayed in pop culture. It’s a combination of negative self talk and existential crises all rolled into one.

I was talking to my brother about it – we both have the voice, seems to especially crop up in people who have tendencies toward perfectionism who have also been abused. One thing we both realized was that the voice is very good at grabbing onto “real” information about our failures in order to get its foot in the door, and then it just lays into us with all manner of constant abuse.

My other thought on your post is that you’re not really having problems with intimacy per say.

Like say intimacy is inviting someone into your house. You know your house is a mess. The wallpaper is peeling and floorboards are rotting and you’ve let trash pile up everywhere. And you’re like “Why can’t I just invite them to live in here with me? What is wrong with me?”

I mean, 1) because you don’t want them to see your trash and think poorly of you and 2) because you know if you’re this terrible to yourself, why should you make others live in your trash? You’re trying to protect them from yourself.

You have a trash-house problem, not an invitation problem.

What I did, and what a lot of people do, is to find someone else whose house is also full of trash, and invite them in. Because they already live in trash, so what’s the big deal?

Needless to say, if this metaphor is making any sense, inviting people with their own problems to share yours can get very, very messy. I’m not saying don’t do it, but I am saying it wasn’t the answer, it didn’t help my original trash-house problem, and we did end up hurting each other a lot. We also ended up helping each other a lot. In the end I realized I had to fix my house myself. Once I did that, inviting people in was so much easier. I don’t live in the cleanest house these days, but it’s better than it used to be and I feel okay about having people inside every once in a while. In other words, it’s still a struggle, but the struggle is less hard.

My advice would be to try to stop beating yourself up for not being okay with intimacy. You’re just giving that negative voice another piece of ammo. I’ve jumped out of a plane twice, and it’s awesome. Sharing my intimate emotional feelings is a thousand times harder than that. So you’re not abnormal, or we’re both abnormal together.

Another thing I do is that if I’m trying to solve a problem (my next job, for instance) and that voice is arguing with me, I put aside solving the problem until I have more control over that voice. The voice is an expert at ruining every attempt to make a decision or positive change in my life. I try to focus on the day to day and stockpile positive experiences until I feel up to trying to think through my life again.

Take walks, call friends, pet a cat, eat a favorite food, whatever I do that makes me feel good. Maybe even help others, but do it with the knowledge I’m really trying to help myself. (*cough*this post for example *cough* 😉 )

Once I’m in a better mental place, try approaching my decision-making again. This makes me slow sometimes to get things done, but I try to be okay with that and forgive myself for not “living up to my potential”.

I try to tell myself: this is my best, and that is okay. It sounds so stupid and simple but it’s the hardest thing in the world to let go of that loathing and frustration. I hope you can find some strategies and get some peace. Good luck to you!