Dear Running:

In summary of the Wednesday example: On Wednesday you texted him to ask to meet up. He told you that he was unavailable. Later you found out that the reason he was unavailable to meet you is that he chose to meet a woman who is flirting with him in the workplace for the purpose of telling her to stop flirting with him and for the purpose of promoting their ongoing friendship. His meeting with her lasted for hours. He talked to her about his relationship with you and told her that you and him broke up.

The account he told you does not read truthful to me. It reads to me that he lied to you. What in his account was true and what was a lie, I don’t know. People who habitually lie do not lie all the time, for one, and then when they do lie, they mix lies and truth. There is no way to figure out what was true and what was a lie unless one does research, hires maybe a private investigator to follow the person, dig out public records about the person, and other methods private investigators use.

Back to his account: maybe he met her, maybe he did not. If they met, maybe they talked for hours maybe they did something else for hours. Maybe… maybe..

It is a very difficult job to separate lies from truth and it is an unnecessary, tiring and unrewarding work (unless one is paid well as a private investigator who charges well for his or her services).

Without such ability, to separate the two, you are indeed “stuck not moving forward” (title of your thread).

You wrote earlier in your post: “Eventually he said he was going to break up with her/ did break up with her (?) it was never clear (?)”- you need these answers and he didn’t give you honest answers so far. Not likely that he will.

What do you think of my reply to you?

anita

Dear Running:

You are welcome. I do wish other members will respond to your thread. It is usually slower during weekends.

You wrote that it makes you feel bad to consider that he has been lying to you. I understand that. If he lies to you repeatedly (lies mixed with truth), then better face this reality than ignore it. On the long run it benefits, to see what is, even if temporarily it feel bad.

Regarding the second part of your last post, do you think that he has a dysfunction in information processing, logic or memory?

anita

Running,

You stated:

I am often on edge waiting for him to say or do the next inappropriate thing

I don’t understand why he treats me this way, or people at all – and I keep thinking he will change, or I will learn how to communicate better, or manage my anxiety – and all of this will go away.

I don’t feel like letting my guard down and being patient and compassionate and loving, because around every next corner there is another ugly monster with whom I must battle.

I don’t believe in trying to understand someone’s underlying motivations or thoughts when their behavior runs counter to my boundaries or values.  His behavior is all you need to know on whether or not you love yourself enough to stay with him.

I think of relationships in two ways: 1) Being in any relationship is a learning process for me to point out things that I want to heal or grow from, 2) If the pain is too great to deal with, then no matter what learning I am benefiting from, I leave.  I don’t keep needing to run my head against a wall in order to learn that I need to find another place that has a door instead.

You state that And in the beginning, when we met each other, and were obviously so perfect for each other, why didn’t he immediately end his dysfunctional relationship with her and start dating me?  Sorry for pointing out that is only your perception, not his. This is the initial “honeymoon” phase when people are just getting to know each other, have the chemical hormones going, and are projecting what they see onto the other person.

With your statements that I selected at the beginning of this post, the relationship seems to be a lot more work and stressful than it is worth (to me at least).

I believe I can do better in finding a more suitable mate that does not evoke such prolonged stress by having your guard up all the time and to deal with his maltreatment, not only to you but to others.  For me that is a statement of his character.

Mark

Dear Running:

You are welcome!

I am re-reading your earlier posts and reading the recent one. Here are quotes: “He desperately wants to please me…he does hurtful things, actually kind of often- and then fights and fights and fights about them…I am often on edge waiting for him to say or do the next inappropriate thing… I do notice that sometimes he seems confused about what happened and his own motivations. He has a terrible time explaining himself, and if he does something inconsiderate, he seems to be completely and totally blocked when it comes to processing it, or self reflecting… I am obsessed with consistency and truthfulness and honesty… he is sometimes untruthful… he has Asperger’s tendencies… I also think that I am extremely critical and uncompassionate.. I have been so aggressive on confronting him about his own shortcomings that I have turned into a monster… I love him and I want him to be here with me”

In light of having more information, regarding the Wednesday example, I do see it as believable that he would meet the co worker that day so to promote a friendship with her. He desperately wants to please you, you wrote. He probably also wants to please others, her in this case. He may not have processed the situation well, and did not lie in that case. Regarding him having dated a woman who was a polyamorous, “he decided that he wanted to try being polyamorous with her… ” that fits with his people pleasing inclination, wanting to please her.

This is what I figure: he may very well not be lying at all, just wanting to please people but not having the ability to process information effectively and therefore his behaviors are often ineffective. If you indeed love him and want to stay with him, you got to fit your expectations, your thinking and your behaviors to the reality of who-he-is. You can’t realistically expect consistency from a person unable to be consistent. You can’t expect a person significantly lacking ability to evaluate people and situations, to be consistent with people and in situations.

Arguing with him is ineffective and harmful to him and to you. You can’t argue him into effective information processing. He wants desperately to please you- this is your strength in the relationship. Not to misuse his need to please you but to take it into consideration and teach him gently that saying this inappropriate and doing that is inappropriate. You can’t teach him how to process new information, only to not repeat specific inappropriate talk and behavior.

I hope you post again with your thoughts and feelings about my reply and otherwise.

anita