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Should I let him go?

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  • February 24, 2018 at 3:15 pm #194289
    Katie
    Participant

    Heya

    I have been seeing a guy for a few months. We started seeing each other quite quickly after a 2 year breakup of mine (bad mistake, don’t recommend). At first, he was super gentleman, we met at university and he would offer to walk me home from lectures, we would stay up till 5am in the morning just chatting about anything and everything. I thought he could relate to me etc. in terms of anxiety and what not.

    I didn’t want to label anything because I was still kind of heartbroken about my breakup and struggling with the loss of my ex being in my life as he was my rock and best friend. So we were unofficial for around 3 or 4 months or so.

    The problem is that I have serious doubts about whether we are right for each-other. He doesn’t seem to want to emotionally connect with me, or be there for me emotionally. There have been times where I have been so upset about lack of emotional support and he just sits there whilst I cry or tells me I’m ‘too much’ and bring him down. Recently he has been trying a bit harder but still I feel like I am not being treated like I should.

    Often he breaks his promises and I feel let down, and we can’t have a serious conversation. He wants to just touch me all the time and everything revolves around sex. On the other hand I am quite sentimental in relationships and value emotional connection above anything else and so i’ve ended up feeling quite emotionally unfulfilled to the point I’d rather be single in some ways because it’d be less upsetting.

    Yet everytime I try and let him go I still get so upset because I know I will miss him a lot. I’ve already had one breakup I don’t really want another and I want things to work out but I don’t think they will.

    I like to be a productive, driven person with big goals and aspirations, and sometimes, as much as I love him, I feel like im dating a hedonistic 2 yearold who pays more attention to going out with friends and his xbox games than me.

    Maybe I’m expecting too much, but my last relationship was so wonderful (we are still good friends) and my ex was super empathetic and mature, which I use as a foundation of what I want my other relationships to be like.

    It just sucks falling for someone who you know isn’t what is best for you

     

    much love,
    Katie

    February 25, 2018 at 6:06 am #194357
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Katie:

    You wrote that “Often he breaks his promises”- that is a big problem, isn’t it? How can you trust a person who often breaks his promises.

    One benefit of a relationship is to get comfort in it, calm. But how can you be comforted by a man who doesn’t keep his word. I don’t see how that is possible. Can you share a few examples of promises that he broke?

    anita

    February 25, 2018 at 6:13 am #194361
    Katie
    Participant

    Hello(:

    Its just little things that he can’t keep to. As in we will organise a movie night for example, and he will plan over it to go out with friends etc. Or i will ask him to do something small for me and he doesn’t, or say we will plan to go somewhere and on the day he decides he doesn’t want to go anymore

    little things like that

    the problem is he doesn’t want to take things seriously he just kinda wants to have fun and do what he wishes and what he pleases

     

    February 25, 2018 at 9:12 am #194381
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Katie:

    In your original post you wrote: “he just sits there whilst I cry or tells me I’m ‘too much’ and bring him down”. Unless he is dishonest in this communication, reads to me that indeed, for him, you are too much and you bring him down. But he stays with you because..?

    You wrote: “the problem is he… just kinda wants to have fun and do what he wishes and what he pleases” and you, on the other hand, “like to be productive, driven person ith big goals and aspirations”-

    be it that the two of you have been dating for only a few months, and that you have a solid understanding of who he is at this time in his life, and there is a mismatch, a lack of compatibility, reads to me that indeed you should let him go (title of your thread).

    anita

    February 25, 2018 at 11:36 am #194639
    Mark
    Participant

    Katie,

    You stated that It just sucks falling for someone who you know isn’t what is best for you.

    You already *know* that he isn’t what is best for you.

    Women (it’s usually women) have a hard time leaving someone because of the reason “I cannot leave him because I LOVE him.”

    I think of two things, 1) from their Family Of Origin, that kind of person was influential in imprinting what (dysfunctional) love means, 2) this tells me that you don’t know how to love yourself by putting up with such behavior.

    Yet everytime I try and let him go I still get so upset because I know I will miss him a lot

    Getting upset by missing him is one kind of pain.  Being disrespected, unloved, and not connected emotionally because of his immaturity is another kind of pain.  Which one would serve the best of you?  What kind of person you want to be?

    It does take courage.  It is easier to tolerate a known pain rather than go into unknown territory.

    Mark

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