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connecting with others struggle and should i be "o.k."

Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→connecting with others struggle and should i be "o.k."

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Viewing 10 posts - 1 through 10 (of 10 total)
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  • February 24, 2018 at 10:20 pm #194323
    suzy
    Participant

    I’m struggling to find others I connect with.  Everyone seems so busy.  A little background.  I have a 5-year-old and a 9-year-old.  We live in the bay area that is really busy.  I am a realist and I think really fast. I really enjoy thinking, and problem-solving, philosophizing, reading and learning. I just like to know why.  This causes me to see many options and I struggle to be o.k. with a lot of things.  I teach and the current politics are challenging.  I work every day with kids and I see how our decisions, school leader decisions, parent decisions, government decisions are impacting our children.  I see the segregations, the lack of support.  I see how we do so much that is not good for our kids and not supported by research.

    I put alot of energy in trying to reach out and make time for my kids, me , my husband, friends for my kids and connections for me.  But I struggle to stop my mind and just be it is always on.  I can sit in a meeting and spend hours with others, knowing what the solution will be. I get overwhelmed because I could have spent those hours getting other work done.  My time is too packed but living in the bay area is expensive, i have kids and my husband is in tech.  I feel like i tend to push people away with my rationalization, realism.

    I don’t know how to wrap my head around about what is o.k. or not?  how to know what others want?  sometimes i think of doing things and asking things, but I feel like I’m invading their space.  I always feel like what i say comes across as not caring.. when it is meant to.

    i’m not sure how to find a path: am i suppose to be o.k. with my sister who changes our plans without involving me? am i suppose to be o.k with the teacher who lets my child read in class and sends all of the writing home with no rough drafts? am i suppose to be o.k. with a district spending 1000 more per child for 1/4 of the campus? Am i suppose to be o.k. with my peers who believe what is happening is not good for the kids but are unwilling to stand up for the kids? Am i suppose to keep on communicating with others even if they rarely respond? am i suppose to be o.k. with a 2 hour meeting that could have been resolved in 5 minutes?

    I don’t know when to speak my mind, when to act, or when to stay quiet.

    I feel like my journey splits.. too many times.

     

    thoughts?

    Peace,

    February 25, 2018 at 6:43 am #194363
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear suzy:

    My answers to your  questions:

    1. “Am I supposed to be o.k with my sister who changes our plans without involving me?”- no, you are not, except when she changes plans following a real emergency. You should communicate this to her, assert yourself with her and re-evaluate the relationship if she continues to cancel mutual plans without your input.

    2. “Am I supposed to be o.k with a district spending 1000 more per child for 1/4 of the campus?” -no, you are not supposed to feel o.k when you do not feel ok, but unlike #1, you have no control over what the district does, do you? If there is a little  something you can do about a problem, do it and let it go. If there is nothing you can do, let it go. Part of the Serenity Prayer applies here: “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change“.

    3. “Am I supposed to be o.k with my peers who believe what is happening is not good for the kids but are unwilling to stand up for the kids?”- no, you are not supposed to feel o.k about anything you don’t feel o.k about. You are not supposed to feel any different than what you feel about anything.

    Is there something you can change in the situation, is the question. You can try and motivate your peers, but if you don’t succeed, there is nothing more you can do. So let it go. You don’t choose your peers but you choose your friends. If you don’t like certain peers, don’t befriend them.

    4. “Am I supposed to keep on communicating with others even if they rarely respond?” – no, except if these others are your children, and then communicate with them differently. And your husband, for as long as you live together. And students, best you can (although you can’t reach all students, especially in higher grades, correct?)

    Other than your children, your husband, as many students as possible… no, you are not supposed to keep on communicating with those who do not respond.

    5. “Am I supposed to be o.k with a 2 hour meeting that could have been resolved in 5 minutes?” If you do not have control over the length of the meeting and you want to keep your job without the trouble of write ups and the like, then attend the two hour meeting.

    6. “Am I supposed to be o.k with the teacher who lets my child read in class and sends all of the writing home with no rough draft?”- I didn’t understand but if you disagree with the teacher’s work, contact him or her and ask about the practice you are concerned about, get all the information first and then give your input.

    Regarding the rest of your post, reads to me that you are overwhelmed with too much to do. Seems to me that you need calm times in your day and the practice of achieving the following:

    The serenity to Accept the things you cannot change,

    The courage to Change the things you can,

    And the wisdom to know the Difference.

    anita

     

    February 25, 2018 at 7:48 am #194371
    suzy
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    thank you.  This helps.  I’m having a hard time letting go.  I feel like i need to keep trying ways to motivate, to move to problem solve because these have such a negative impact to me. I am a very forgiving person. People make mistakes but i feel like when i make a mistake people are not so forgiving.  (my kids and husband are awesome).

    I changed my job last year and moved away from the school that I felt was not funding equitably and the teachers would not stand up.  I moved to a private school that is closer to home and my kids can now go to. I expected half the class size and closer i would have less stress and more time.  I don’t. its different stress and i teach 3-grade levels so the workload is similar.  I thought having my daughter on campus, less commute, (like 2 hours less per day). less students would be enough to make up for any challenges.  I am finding it is not. It is definitely not as intense as last year, but still intense.  I have anxiety every night about which parent is going to complain, which child is going to complain.  I’m having to change all of my lessons and connection methods.  what worked in public is not working in private. so much work.

    I feel like humans have this capacity to have a huge impact.  I feel like I just have not learned the right tool. I just need to read more and learn more then I can make a change.

    how do i find calm when each day i could have a parent randomly come up to me and challenge the way i teach? i don’t mind the conversations, its just they take up a huge amount of my time.

    so how do you “have the wisdom to know the difference”

    I would quit my job and stay home right now, but we can not afford to do this in the bay area.

    also when I talk to people I end up putting them on the defensive and shutting them down.  I do a lot of research and I’m very aware of a lot of different options/tools.   so when I talk with them I have thought 100 steps ahead.  I have multiple options and I know the facts.  All this does is shut people down.

    My friend always says that I’m not content anywhere and cannot find collaboration anywhere.  It is true.. I found it once and then my principle unteamed us because we worked too well together.  (not joking).  I thought I would find a team at the new job, but I’m not people are too busy and don’t follow through.

    I don’t know where to tangibly start with this …

     

     

     

    February 25, 2018 at 9:01 am #194379
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear suzy:

    You are welcome. A key sentence to me in your last post is this: “People make mistakes but I feel like when I make a mistake people are not forgiving”- there may be something here to look at. Would you like to elaborate on this sentence?

    anita

    February 25, 2018 at 10:52 am #194629
    suzy
    Participant

    Its like as a teacher i need to be perfect.  I have to have the perfect tone, the perfect equity in talking to students etc.  If i speak to harshly one day i am this horrible teacher who is not looking out for their students.  Its like teachers can’t be stressed, can’t be emotionally charged.  We must always have this calm.

    If a parent or a child gets emotional with me I stay calm, i forgive and we move on. I give another chance.  No grudges.

    If my sister doesn’t like my realism or opinion, she hangs up on me and weeks later she talks to me again, never apologizing.  Though if she does the same thing with me I forgive, i don’t hold a grudge.

    I know I must push people away, they disappear or don’t make time for me.  I’m not sure what I say or do.  I know sometimes I’m too blunt, realistic and negative.  I see all the problems.. but then I also see all of the solutions.  I can come across complaining but I’m really not I’m trying to see all perspectives and a solution to the challenge. or a new way to see it.

    I don’t understand why people don’t speak their minds, why we don’t just get to the point, work it out.

    I live in a vary grey world. With lots of options.  So i struggle when I work with people or interact with others who are black and white.

    I know life is made up of actions, but these actions do not define a person for the rest of their life.  But I sit here and make one action and it defines how the people around me interact with me for lengths of time.

    I want to learn how to communicate with people, how to voice my perspective without overwhelming, how to be heard and listen,  how to let go of the stress of always needing to say “the right thing” . i don’t know what “the right thing” to say is.  I feel like I always say the “wrong thing” . too passionate, to much information, to realistic, to staright forward, to much information.

     

    February 25, 2018 at 11:54 am #194643
    Mark
    Participant

    suzy,

    how do i find calm when each day i could have a parent randomly come up to me and challenge the way i teach? i don’t mind the conversations, its just they take up a huge amount of my time.
    Have them make an appointment. Manage your time and energy.  Use those well known time management techniques that includes having a schedule for your life and keep to it.

    so how do you “have the wisdom to know the difference”
    Each thing you worry about, can you make an immediate effective change or not? Is that within your sphere of influence? (look up what that is)

    I would quit my job and stay home right now, but we can not afford to do this in the bay area.
    Most options are not “either-or.” Either quit or move out of the Bay Area. Brainstorm those options, ex. work part time, find another job, start a side hustle/business, etc.

    also when I talk to people I end up putting them on the defensive and shutting them down. I do a lot of research and I’m very aware of a lot of different options/tools. so when I talk with them I have thought 100 steps ahead. I have multiple options and I know the facts. All this does is shut people down.  … I want to learn how to communicate with people
    I suspect you shut people down by not letting them know the research you have done (the background), not taking in their input/response/understanding/questions. There are a plethora of classes that teach communication.  Practicing mindfulness is a good foundation for any communication.

    My friend always says that I’m not content anywhere and cannot find collaboration anywhere.
    Working with people is messy, frustrating and time consuming. You may be better off not to collaborate. You may just work better on your own.

     

    Mark

    February 25, 2018 at 12:08 pm #194651
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear suzy:

    Will be back to the computer in about sixteen hours, read your recent post and reply then. Take care.

    anita

    February 25, 2018 at 1:05 pm #194659
    suzy
    Participant

    Mark. thank you for your input.

    Can you recommend a communication class?

    I am trying to think of a side business.  Something I can do that won’t take my time away from my children.

    I might be better off not collaborating.  Especially now that i’m not really in a place that i want to be.

    I do want to work towards being a Montessori teacher.  This method i really believe in for teaching.  The challenge is it is costly and time-consuming.

    I have it on my list for 2020 to take the class.

    Thanks again for your thoughts.

     

     

    February 26, 2018 at 5:01 am #194733
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear suzy:

    I see three problems:

    1. I would call this one mental-multi-tasking, as in “I’m trying to see all perspectives and a solution to the challenge. or a new way to see it”- I don’t have an example of what you mean by it, but it may very well that this is not working for you, as in seeing the trees but not the forest. In seeing too many options (trees) you lose clarity and when you communicate all those trees to others, you lose them, they are lost too. Tackle perhaps one or two options at a time, pause, walk back and see the whole picture, then proceed.

    2. Perfection- your quest to perform perfectly harms your performance and fuels your anxiety, increasing your distress so much that any job is likely to be distressing. Not only do you expect yourself to be perfect, reads to me that you expect others and situations to be perfect. The inequity of the educational budget in your previous workplace was such an imperfection, as well as peers not caring enough about that inequity. Of course, every workplace will be imperfect, often far from perfect. It is a reality we live in, a world where mismanagement and waste and dysfunction is the rule, not the exception.

    3. Aggression- we all fear aggression by others and so do you. As a teacher in a private school where maybe the parents are more involved and demanding for a return for their money, tuition, that is, they are more likely to complain. Dealing with those complaints requires a strategy on your part, a combination of being professional and assertive.

    You feel that as a teacher you have to be calm at all times. Of course, being or even appearing perfectly calm is impossible. It is impossible to talk in the same even tone of voice, same volume all the time. You just have to keep limits to your voice, not above a certain volume and not below a certain volume. And then, allow some expression of your anger, but not other expressions. If you stand by a mirror, you can practice and observe your face, see expressions of anger, of affection, see what is acceptable in the context of teaching and what is not.

    anita

     

    February 26, 2018 at 9:43 am #194795
    Mark
    Participant

    Suzy,

    Recommend a communication class?  I would Google classes in your area.  I don’t recommend anything online since face-to-face communication is what you need practice on.

    I like Non-Violent Communication (NVC) for it is a great approach to communication.

    I don’t think you can lose in taking any one that is out there.  Find one that fits your busy schedule.  Let me know which ones you are considering.

    Good that you have a goal of Montessori to teach.  Have you considered Waldorf as well?

    Mark

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