Dear Anita,

I am a ball of emotions today, literally a ball of emotions. Lots of thoughts about everything. So much good, but then there’s also a lot of bad as well. I shall explain, I’ll try and reply to your previous messages and then fill you in on what’s been happening. Your analysis, questions and talking things through with me on here is really helping me – I really appreciate it, thank you.

Yes, it’s true. This is why I don’t eat or do things to benefit myself. It’s easier for me to focus on other people, like spending all my time making sure my friends are okay rather than getting on with my day. They definitely instilled that idea that I’m a bad person if I don’t suffer too, that I’m a bad person if I focus on myself or did things that I loved etc. I always had to be doing something to please them. There was always a massive pressure on me to be perfect. Yet at the same time even when I was perfect, I still wasn’t good enough. I made my dad a rolling stones clock, and I gave it to him, and never saw it again – I think it got thrown away. I got so used to being disappointed and let down, that I didn’t feel it anymore. All I knew growing up was this monumental sadness and just being snapped at by my mother. I don’t think I knew what happiness was for ages, or humour which made it difficult for me going through school. I’m better nowadays though, I can take things with a pinch of salt and laugh at myself.

It’s weird, but on those same lines. It’s like, I hold myself back from having friends, because I feel like if I try and get close to people or be nice then they’ll think that I’m trying to hurt them or something. I am aware that in my mind I hold myself back from doing things, like showering n eating sometimes. Literally like I’m holding myself captive (!!) It’s ridiculous. I need to start changing the way that I see myself (which is happening), slowly!

It’s hard for me to imagine feeling like I deserve things, yknow?

My sister is suffering a lot right now 🙁 🙁 a lot, a lot – which I will explain a bit further on. This core belief is so hard to change it’s ridiculous. Can it be changed?

I think that the purpose of me punishing myself, is so that it helps others. For some reason, if I stopped listening to music, then maybe my gran would have that pleasure up in heaven. (what I thought then). Same as, well if I’m not confident, it means I won’t make other people feel insecure. (in the past I’ve had people who cried n had a go at me cus I was confident n they said it made them feel insecure). I’m worried about starting a band n being confident n pushing myself out there cus I don’t want other girls to be jealous (which has happened before). Whereas I fully support my girl friends 100%.

You made a very good point – I tell my sister to focus on herself, but then I don’t focus on myself. You’re so right when you say that. I feel like it’s different though because she genuinely does need support and help, I feel like it would be selfish of me to not put her first when at the moment she really does need a lot of help.

You are very right. My parents had no empathy at all for us, and never tried to relate to us. Yes, you’re right about my mum too, and that being her goal. I think my dilemma, is that I don’t know how to view it. I’d like to think that deep down at the heart, that everyone has a good heart and wants peace and love, but some people’s actions do the exact opposite. I’ve struggled with finding a grasp of reality on the situation: do I pity them? Feel sorry for them? Should I see both of them as good people who are both just hurting? Or should I see them as being abusive individuals who aren’t good people?

It’s a catch 22 Anita – because the core belief is the thing that is stopping me from doing the things that I need to heal!! such as aerobics, meditation, cooking etc. !! I guess it’s gradually going “I’m worth this”. Yknow?

As for an update – good things – I put on a gig at the Pig n Fiddle on Thursday n it went really really well and everyone loved it 😀 I feel like I’m connecting with my Bristol friends, as they’re on my same vibe, and feeling more confident in that aspect.

Not so good things – yesterday (day after gig). I spoke to my sister on the phone, and she said that things had gotten physical between her and her wife again, and that she had been out walking all night 🙁 🙁 obviously I am worried, and I said to her to come and stay with me. But she said that she can’t because she’s on benefits/ has her dog etc. She has gone back to the house with the wife. I called the DV helpline and got loads of suggestions and links. I am waiting to talk to my sister to talk to her about these options – it’s so hard because I wish she could see what I see, but she doesn’t. The woman on the phone said that it takes people a while to be ready to leave sometimes. I am in contact with my sister everyday, and she knows I love her.

Hi Mark,

Thank you for saying that 🙂 I am getting better! At the moment I have learnt the skill of positive thinking. I’m on a bit of a manic one at the moment as I have started to attract loads of friends, good vibes etc. in to my life – all from self-love and positive thinking, and thinking “your vibe attracts your tribe”. If I am positive, it emanates. It needs to start with me first!

At the moment tiny buddha is helping, positive thinking, and attracting a good support network, and also putting on the gigs and knowing that I will be in Bristol soon 🙂 Sometimes I can be a bit manic, and that can be too intense – because I’m not used to all the positivity, and I get overwhelmed thinking about how much opportunity there is for me etc. I am trying to get a balance so I can remain calm but still be positive in life.

Cat

• This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by Cat.