Dear joanna:

I was away from the computer for twenty minutes or so, swept the floor and considered throwing the sweeping to where I put the ashes from the woodstove- felt guilty about it, that I am a bad person, that I will be doing something wrong to someone by doing so. What I did then, was to throw the sweeping with the garbage instead. I then wet a towel so to wipe the kitchen floor. On the way to the kitchen a few water drops fell on the wooden floor. I felt guilty, felt that I was destroying the wooden floor, on purpose. And so it goes.

I am experiencing some distress today, from earlier on, don’t know why yet, so these incidents are likely to be more frequent.

What I do is when I notice the guilt I stop to think if there is a valid point to it. If I am about to cross the street not on a sidewalk, I stop and think: well, why don’t I use the sidewalk, there is a reason it is there. It is fair that I do, playing by the rules. On the other hand, if there is no valid point to it, for example, I left the plastic bottle on the road, I repeat to myself: it is okay. And I kept walking.

I didn’t mention that when talking to people I used to feel guilty again and again for saying this wrong, should have said that, etc., kept explaining and elaborating on what I said, to cover all possible misunderstandings.

My life was indeed… difficult. So is yours, reads to me. We share a lot in common.

It has been a long process and I made lots of progress, but as you read my examples from today, this core belief: I am guilty, I am a bad person… doesn’t die easily. I experience significantly less distress, by far less, but some days more than others and some… every day, still. The practice of noticing, then talking sense to myself, that is, saying to myself what is true to reality, is ongoing.

Soon will be away from the computer for about sixteen hours… will be going on that walk. The plastic bottle will still be there and … I will not be picking it up!

anita