Dear GrumpyToad:

It makes sense to me that you are afraid of “a huge explosive argument”. I think everyone is afraid of aggression, I am. So it makes sense, when you anticipate aggression, you withdraw from what may bring it about. You are afraid of the consequences of such argument, making him less comfortable to let you know of his thoughts, cautious.

Here is your best bet, I believe, to communicate with him on the matter, best bet to not trigger his distress and either withdrawal (shutting down) or anger. If you let him know in a calm voice that it bothers you that he talks to you about her, that it triggers your distress and ask him if he can help you by not talking to you about it, he may feel empathy for you and would like to help you this way.

You can tell him that if you do something that triggers his distress, that you would like him to let you know, and then, if it is reasonable and doable, you will accommodate him too.

You can ask him if he thinks it is reasonable that he accommodates you this way: not talking about her to you, if it is possible and doable for him.

If you don’t blame him for what you feel, express no anger toward him and no strong emotions of any kind, on the matter, keep calm, you are most likely to be heard by him and accommodated.

What do you think?

anita