Being a married couple, you need to communicate with him if you do not feel happy with him getting too close to this girl. I am sure he will say it is nothing and that they are just friends. However, you need to explain to him about your uncontrollable jealousy. It’s because you love him a lot. Since you have already tried and you are still jealous, perhaps tell him not to mention this girl in front of you? Since there is nothing going on with him and her, just let whatever happen in office stays in office. You don’t need to know if he made coffee for her.

You just need to know that he love you and will never cheat on you.

Dear GrumpyToad:

As you learned, being terrified of confrontation, and as a result, not being assertive hurts you. Got to slowly incorporate assertiveness into your behavior with your husband and with everyone else in your life. How to do it when scared?

See to it that in your relationship with your husband there is no aggression, that no matter how distressed either one of you, you do not act aggressively toward each other: no yelling, no  name calling, no put downs, not directly not indirectly, and instead, make your relationship a safe place for the two of you.

In such safety, once you get used to it and trust in it, behaving assertively will not be scary anymore.

I am glad you added that you told him that you are okay with inviting her to your wedding. Before you added that, I thought it was disrespectful of him to invite her even though you (stated, I thought) that you were uncomfortable with her there.

I would ask him to not talk about her to me, if I was you, so to be safe from being triggered this way.

anita

Dear GrumpyToad:

You are welcome. A lot of people think it is natural for a couple to fight, an unavoidable reality in any relationship. But it is not true. It is not necessary to fight. It is possible to not fight, ever. Resolve conflicts without fighting, there are ways of doing that.

anita

Dear GrumpyToad:

Yes, it does take two to argue and it takes two to have a respectful discussion, instead of arguing. Did you already suggest to him to not argue, to not fight and if so, what was his response?

anita

Some thoughts on this as the female friend in many scenarios in male-dominated fields.

Have you tried befriending this person?  Would you feel comfortable doing that?  As someone who is around men most of the time, I have found myself wanting good girlfriends to hang out with.  Some women around my work tend to be catty and very competitive. I’ve learned to reach out to those who seem to want friends.  It makes a huge difference for them and for me.  Even though I do meet men here and there that I click with, aside from our decidedly unromantic shared interests, everything else is professional.

I am straight and I do date. Having said that, I prefer to date people who have nothing to do with my work, aren’t fans, and have lives and interests of their own.

You may not realize this, but I hear a lot of great things about you from your partners. My first thought is usually, “I’d like to meet this person!” not “Y’all think you have solid relationship?  Hold mah beer!”

Grumpy Toad,

It sounds like both of you do not know how to communicate.  You are afraid of conflict and he/you get defensive, walks away.  Not a good formula for a long lasting, intimate/close relationship.

Find a counselor to teach both of you how to communicate.  You say it is too early.  I say that if either of you did not know how to deal with concerns and differences before the marriage then it is not too early.  Non-Violent Communication is a great tool (you can Google it) for communication.

Plus you are not setting boundaries on what you do and do not want, e.g. having him share personal information with his office girlfriend (and yes I am using that term deliberately).  Whether it is a sexual affair or not, it really sounds like an emotional affair.

Mark